If you’ve ever found yourself contemplating intimacy, only to collapse into bed instead, exhausted from juggling parenting duties, you’re certainly not alone. Recent research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reveals a concerning trend: “American adults engaged in sexual activity about nine times less per year in the early 2010s than in the late 1990s.”
So, what’s causing this decline? The study highlights two major culprits: the prevalence of helicopter parenting and not being in a committed relationship. Yes, you read that right—helicopter parenting.
The constant hustle of coordinating playdates, ensuring kids are safely dropped off and picked up, and dedicating weekends to soccer practice only to rush off to gymnastics can really drain our desire for intimacy. It’s no wonder that many parents feel their libidos have taken a hit.
If this resonates with you, you’re in good company. Last year, I penned an article discussing the drawbacks of overly supervised play for our kids. Growing up in a rural Utah neighborhood meant I wandered around on my own by the age of nine, exploring and playing without constant parental oversight. In contrast, my children’s playdates require a carefully orchestrated effort involving calls to other parents, a far cry from my carefree childhood days.
Reflecting on my upbringing, I can’t help but wonder if my parents were taking advantage of my unsupervised adventures to nurture their own relationship. While I was out making friends, they may have been focusing on each other’s needs. Nowadays, however, the energy to prioritize intimacy seems elusive for many parents.
It’s not necessarily about finding the time, as sex doesn’t require hours of preparation. It’s more about the energy required to engage in it. Psychologist Samantha Lutz shared with CNN that many parents already feel they’ve tackled a mountain of daily tasks—waking at dawn, managing tantrums, and more—making the thought of adding intimacy feel overwhelming. Instead, they often opt for the easy escape of binge-watching on Netflix, which offers instant gratification without the energy expenditure.
Ultimately, this study paints a clear picture: parents today are missing out on intimacy—both physical and emotional—not because they lack time, but due to the exhaustion that comes with parenting in today’s society. We pour our hearts and souls into our children, often to the detriment of our relationships.
What Can Be Done?
What can be done to rectify this? Honestly, that’s a tough question. In a world where letting kids play outside unsupervised might raise eyebrows (and even lead to police involvement), helicopter parenting feels more like a societal obligation than a choice. Reducing our over-scheduling habits might require some serious effort.
One common suggestion is to make your marriage a priority, but that doesn’t diminish the importance of your children. It’s about recognizing how crucial a healthy relationship is for the well-being of the entire family. After all, a strong partnership is foundational for a happy home.
I plan to share this study with my partner, Lisa, to show her that we’re not alone in our struggles to balance parenting and intimacy. Together, we’ll reassess our priorities and see where we can ease up on the reins of parenting. If you’re a parent feeling the same pressures, I encourage you to do the same.
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In summary, the rise of helicopter parenting is leading to decreased intimacy among couples, as they struggle to balance their roles as parents and partners. It’s essential for parents to prioritize their relationships to foster a healthy family environment.