“It’s clear she has issues with her mother,” you remarked, dear former mother-in-law, as my son and I worked to safely extract our distressed, thrashing daughter from her sister’s birthday celebration. Another party I had to miss because someone needs to be there for her when these situations arise. “She has a problem with her mother,” you reiterated, as we finally managed to get her settled in the van, where my own tears could flow freely in a moment of vulnerability.
Let’s call you Karen for the sake of this narrative. It had been a particularly challenging few days. This meltdown was just the latest in a series of emotional storms we had faced while trying to navigate the whirlwind of summer activities.
Just the night before, we returned from a trip to an amusement park that my three children adore. While there were joyous moments, there were also massive meltdowns—something we’ve come to accept as part of our life. We take steps to prepare her for unexpected changes, but sometimes, chaos is unavoidable. We teach her coping strategies, but they don’t always hit the mark. We want her to enjoy her childhood, yet it’s often interrupted by sudden emotional upheavals. In those moments, I can’t control her; no one can. She rides the wave of her emotions, supported like a roller coaster rider held tight by safety bars, while we do our best to prevent the ride from turning rough.
Your granddaughter has a form of high-functioning autism previously known as Asperger syndrome. To those unfamiliar with her, she might seem perfectly “normal,” albeit with her quirks. When she’s calm and engaging, her charm and intellect shine through, and she communicates like an adult. Many might believe there’s nothing “wrong” with her.
However, when anxiety strikes, the transformation is stark. She can lash out verbally and physically, her fight-or-flight response kicking in with intensity. Often, the triggers seem trivial—a missed corndog at the amusement park—but the real culprits are usually overstimulation and sensory overload. While some may judge and say I shouldn’t have taken her there, I believe the experience was worth it, as she enjoyed herself immensely before the meltdown hit.
Such outbursts often elicit strong reactions from onlookers. Some are concerned, like the good-hearted security personnel who stepped in to help when they saw her struggling. Thankfully, they understood that her behavior stemmed from autism.
On the other hand, some people jump to conclusions, assuming she’s simply misbehaving or that I, as her mother, lack control. They simplify a complex situation, blaming the parent rather than seeking to understand. I’ve encountered more compassionate souls than judgmental ones, but the latter still exist.
While managing her meltdowns, I feel the weight of her pain, alongside my own and that of her siblings who are also affected. I experience embarrassment and anticipate the judgment from those around me. I shoulder it all because I love her dearly. Yes, I’ve navigated this path more times than I can count. Do I condone her behavior during a meltdown? Absolutely not. Do I work to set boundaries and teach her better coping mechanisms? Yes, I do.
Am I a flawless mother? Certainly not. But I strive to give my best. The stigma surrounding autism has persisted since the days of the refrigerator mother theory, yet many have become more accepting and educated. Still, the fear of judgment lingers, and we often feel inadequate despite our best efforts.
Karen, I didn’t need your harsh words in that moment of vulnerability. I already felt overwhelmed. I can’t help but think that your comments didn’t bring you closer to your granddaughter or address your own shortcomings as a mother—something we all share since no one is perfect. Your words stung deeply and served no constructive purpose. I’m sharing this to release the hurt and continue being the best mother I can be.
In the end, the “issue with her mother” is simply that my love for her is profound; I cannot “fix” her or rewire her brain. All I can do is support her through her struggles and talk to her about her experiences when she’s calm enough to engage. I aim to foster her self-control so she can navigate her emotions better in the future.
But you chose to overlook this reality, didn’t you? You defaulted to a simplistic view that’s thankfully fading in our evolving society. You have the option to embrace a more nuanced understanding of emotional responses and educate yourself about the brain chemistry involved in autistic meltdowns. If you’re unsure, you can always reach out to experts or resources like Hopkins Medicine, which provides excellent guidance on these topics. You can appreciate the complexities of your gifted granddaughter without resorting to blame.
And most importantly, you can respect and acknowledge “her mother”—the one who is here every day, loving her, supporting her, and doing the best she can.
Summary
Understanding autism and the emotions tied to meltdowns is crucial. Instead of resorting to judgment, we should embrace empathy and support, recognizing the complexities of the situation. This approach not only helps the child but also fosters healthier family dynamics. For more insights on home insemination, check out our article on the home insemination kit.