“Can I give her a hug?” a stranger asked me. My daughter stood there, fidgeting with her tiny hands, a look of discomfort on her face at the unexpected request.
“I’m not sure. Why don’t you ask her?” I replied. My 5-year-old subtly shook her head, but the woman continued to hold her arms open wide, clearly undeterred.
“How about a high-five?” I suggested, suppressing my irritation. Can’t you see she’s not interested? She’s clinging to me like I’m her lifeline.
The woman appeared genuinely let down.
Why would a young child want to hug someone they don’t know? I understand the impulse to show affection, but that doesn’t entitle you to a child’s embrace. Just because she’s small doesn’t mean it’s her duty to appease you or validate your self-worth.
Bodily autonomy is a crucial principle — it’s the idea that everyone has the right to make choices about their own body. Seems like a given, right? I don’t dictate your choices about tattoos, and you don’t control whether I hug someone at the neighborhood cookout.
So why do we, as parents, sometimes feel entitled to decide what our kids do with their own bodies? Who they hug, who can touch them, or who gets to smother them with affectionate kisses?
I recall a great-aunt of mine who would greet us with sloppy kisses every few years. I can still picture her bright lipstick and feel the awkward squish of her lips on my cheek. The scent of her perfume still sends me back to that childhood discomfort. I had to endure those moments, pretending the coral lipstick smudge was a welcome gesture. To me, she felt more like a stranger than family.
Because of those memories, I am determined to empower my children to assert their bodily autonomy right from the start.
Let’s be honest: If my kids had their way, they’d probably avoid baths, skip brushing their teeth, and forgo combing their hair altogether. My daughter would prefer running around without clothes, while my son would sport a dirt-streaked face as if he were in a perpetual mud fight!
However, we do allow them a lot of freedom regarding their bodies. I won’t impose my fashion preferences on them or force any hairstyles they dislike (though I do insist on washing their hair every now and then). I also respect their choices when it comes to permanent alterations, like ear piercings.
Most importantly, I will never compel them to hug, kiss, or touch anyone they don’t wish to, including family members and us, their parents.
My hope is that by nurturing their autonomy now, they will be better equipped to set boundaries as teenagers, especially when I’m not around. They will learn to say no when something feels wrong, understand that they alone have the power to decide what happens to their bodies, and realize that it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritize their comfort over someone else’s feelings. That’s a priceless lesson.
Their body, their choices. End of story.
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In summary, encouraging our children’s bodily autonomy is essential for their confidence and comfort. By allowing them to dictate their own physical interactions, we help them cultivate the skills they need to navigate their relationships responsibly and assertively as they grow.