July 30, 2023
If you’ve ever witnessed your little one collapse on the floor in a fit of tears or seen your pre-teen storm off, slamming doors in frustration over what seems trivial, you may have found yourself wondering, “What on earth is going on?” Welcome to parenthood.
As I journey through this parenting adventure, I’ve come to understand that a significant part of my role is guiding my children through their incredibly intense emotions—because wow, do they feel things deeply! My youngest, for instance, can unleash wails that sound like an ambulance siren whenever he feels upset, whether it’s due to anger, sadness, or simply being hungry. Trust me, those hunger pains can be quite loud for everyone involved.
While the reasons behind these emotions may appear trivial from an adult’s perspective, they are profoundly real for kids. They often lack the tools to process and manage these feelings, which is where we, as parents, come in. Let’s hope we have our own emotions somewhat under control first.
If you’re like me and sometimes struggle with this—believe me, you’re not alone. It’s perfectly normal to lose your cool occasionally, and we might find ourselves apologizing for yelling when all we wanted to do was stay calm. It’s healthy for our children to see us working on managing our emotions, too.
One of the most effective ways to teach kids emotional regulation is through our own behavior. I cannot count how many times I have lost my temper because my children have selective hearing and seem to ignore 99% of what I say. It can be exasperating, and I won’t sugarcoat it; some days it really gets under my skin. However, if I want my kids to learn how to manage their own frustrations, I need to demonstrate that I can control mine as well.
A simple yet powerful step is to communicate with your children about your feelings. For example, when you need a moment to collect yourself, let them know you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a break. This can teach them how to process their own emotions when they face disappointments.
Additionally, it’s crucial to validate your child’s feelings. Sometimes, all a child needs is reassurance that their emotions are acceptable. Just like I would love a supportive voice reminding me that it’s alright to be angry when someone cuts me off in traffic, we can be that comforting presence for our kids. Acknowledging their feelings normalizes their experiences, and only then can we guide them toward effective coping mechanisms.
Let’s also remember that we shouldn’t penalize our kids for simply being human. Everyone encounters tough days, even our little ones. Make it clear to your child that it’s okay to experience disappointment, sadness, and anger.
After validating their emotions and modeling appropriate reactions, the next step is teaching them basic coping strategies. It’s a shame that I didn’t learn any useful coping skills until much later in life. I certainly don’t want the same for my children.
There are many ways to help your child learn these skills. Deep breathing may not resonate with every child, and that’s perfectly fine. For instance, I once heard about a parent who gave her daughter some old magazines and phone books to rip apart when she needed to release her anger. This physical outlet helped her calm down. As she matured, she transitioned to more constructive activities like exercise to cope with her emotions.
Every child is unique, and discovering the right coping strategies can take time. One of my children finds deep breathing ineffective but loves listening to music as a distraction. Help your child understand that although big feelings can be challenging, there are positive ways to manage them.
As parents, our primary role is to be a supportive presence. We can’t fix every problem they face, even though our instincts scream to do so. Life can be tough, even for a three-year-old who can’t locate their favorite toy or didn’t get that coveted item at the store.
What we can do is offer a comforting hug, listen earnestly, and reassure them that we’re always there, especially when times are tough. Being a reliable support system is essential for helping our children realize they don’t have to face their emotions alone.
To a child, this reassurance means everything. And hopefully, they will grow up to manage their emotions more effectively than their dear old parent.
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Summary:
This article explores how parents can assist their children in understanding and managing their intense emotions. It emphasizes the importance of modeling emotional regulation, validating feelings, and teaching coping strategies tailored to each child’s needs. By being supportive and present, parents can help their children navigate emotional challenges effectively.