Growing up, my parents adhered to a strict guideline regarding marital disagreements: Never go to bed upset. Even after heated arguments, they always found a way to reconcile before hitting the hay. This rule extended to my siblings and me, too; we were expected to resolve our squabbles before bedtime, regardless of how irked we felt.
To be honest, there were times I would apologize to my brothers while secretly hoping to avoid true reconciliation just to fulfill that bedtime rule. Fast forward to my own marriage, and I can confidently say that I have strayed from my parents’ well-intentioned advice. After 18 years of marriage, two kids, and a mortgage, my husband and I have certainly had our share of intense discussions. There have been moments when harsh words were exchanged, leading to dramatic exits or, yes, the dreaded silent treatment.
Believe it or not, there have been nights when my husband and I went to bed fuming at each other, without so much as a kiss goodnight. Yet, here we are, still blissfully married. While the idea of resolving conflicts before bedtime sounds appealing, life often gets in the way—especially when kids need help with homework, dinner is still in the oven, and laundry is piling up.
When a serious disagreement arises, there are multiple reasons why it might be wise to keep quiet and “sleep on it.” Rest assured, doing so doesn’t spell doom for your relationship.
1. Silence Can Prevent Regretful Words
When emotions run high, it’s tempting to lash out or strive to “win” the argument. In moments of anger, combined with sleep deprivation, hurtful comments can fly out. Those words can linger long after the argument, taking time to heal. Although the silent treatment is often frowned upon, it can be preferable to saying things you’ll regret.
2. Processing Emotions Takes Time
During turbulent times in a relationship, pinpointing your emotions can feel impossible. Long-term partnerships are layered with complex feelings, and true self-reflection requires time and tranquility—luxuries often scarce for busy parents. Sometimes, it’s best to box up those hurt feelings and address them later when life isn’t so chaotic. For me, that means carving out moments for a jog or a quiet drive to clear my thoughts before tackling the underlying issues with my husband.
3. Kids Add Complexity to Conflict Resolution
When kids are around, it can be challenging to address arguments in real-time. A toddler, for example, won’t understand if their parents are locked in a heated stare-down over an unpaid bill. Children demand attention and can be a distraction during conflicts. While it is healthy for kids to witness conflict resolution, it’s generally unwise to unleash your anger in front of them. Sometimes, waiting until after a good night’s sleep is the better option.
4. It’s Okay to Be at a Loss for Words
Every marriage experiences moments when the hurt feels so profound that it leaves you speechless. It’s normal to feel disconnected from your partner when they’ve caused pain, even if they still resemble the person you fell in love with. In those instances, silence may be the best approach. Often, a good night’s sleep can help you gather your thoughts, allowing you to discuss things more clearly later. Alternatively, a neutral third party, like a therapist, can facilitate productive conversations.
My husband and I have had our fair share of disagreements, but I don’t view our marriage as failing simply because we sometimes turn off the lights while still simmering with anger. What truly matters is our commitment to reconnecting after a conflict and fostering healthy communication.
And that one time I lost my cool at the bus stop in my bathrobe and fuzzy slippers when the kids missed the bus under his watch? Well, I felt justified skipping the goodnight kiss that evening—and I’m quite sure he did too. Yet, here we are, still going strong.
If you’re interested in more about navigating relationships and parenting, check out our piece on home insemination kits at Make A Mom, or explore additional resources like The Center for pregnancy and home insemination insights. For parents looking to diversify their income while managing family life, take a look at seven passive income ideas that can help you thrive.
Summary
It’s perfectly acceptable to go to bed angry at your spouse. Life’s complexities, especially with kids, sometimes make immediate resolution impossible. Silence can help prevent hurtful words, provide time for emotional processing, and allow for a clearer mind after rest. The key is to prioritize reconnection and communication over the notion that every disagreement must be settled before sleep.