“You give kids an inch, they’ll take a mile.”
“Parents are too lenient these days, which is why kids lack respect.”
“Just wait until they hit their teenage years; they’ll walk all over you.”
I’ve encountered these sentiments countless times during my 17 years as a parent. They often pop up in discussions surrounding parenting styles, especially when it comes to the choices parents make, like allowing kids to prepare their own meals if they’re not fond of dinner options or letting them bring forgotten homework to school.
I can relate to the concerns surrounding permissive parenting. Children indeed need guidelines and a sense of authority. However, a strict authoritarian approach isn’t the answer either. There is a sweet spot between chaos and a rigid regime, and that’s where our family spends most of our time. So far, it seems to be working quite well.
Bedtime Flexibility
Take bedtime, for instance. I used to be a staunch advocate for a 7:30 PM lights-out rule. That worked for a while, but our two youngest are natural night owls. In recent years, we’ve adapted our bedtime expectations. Our daughters, aged 8 and 12, share a room and thrive in the evenings, often reading and chatting long after my husband and I have turned in. As long as they’re getting adequate sleep, we’ve learned to embrace their nighttime energy.
Encouraging Open Discussions
We regularly engage our children in discussions about their thoughts and preferences. We genuinely consider their opinions, even when they don’t ask for input. When they articulate why they want to do something—or don’t—we listen. Sure, sometimes their reasoning is as simple as “because!” In those moments, we pause the conversation until they can present a more rational argument. But we encourage respectful debate, letting them express their views while also sharing our perspective.
For instance, if my daughter seeks more screen time because she’s working on a book, we’re inclined to say yes. When my son claims his sister has more screen time and insists he should too, we explain the distinction between creative writing and gaming, reinforcing the notion that life isn’t always equitable.
Valuing Opinions and Building Skills
We want our children to understand that their opinions matter. That doesn’t mean they always get their way, but at least they feel heard and understood. This also helps them develop negotiation and communication skills, which will be invaluable as they grow.
Flexibility in our parenting style not only benefits us but also teaches our children how to adapt. If kids are raised under strict rules and unyielding authority, how will they ever learn to navigate the complexities of the real world? Contrary to the belief of many who favor a strict approach, life isn’t a rigid, follow-the-rules affair. It’s dynamic and requires creativity and emotional intelligence to navigate.
Maintaining Balance
Moreover, embracing a flexible approach prevents us from taking ourselves or our parenting too seriously. There are moments when discipline is necessary, but it doesn’t have to dominate our household. I have no desire to run our home like a military camp, and I doubt my kids would appreciate that either.
This isn’t about being afraid to say “no” or wanting to placate my children. We certainly enforce boundaries and deal with their disappointments. If they react irrationally, we’re willing to postpone discussions until they’ve calmed down. I don’t presume they’re being unreasonable simply because they’re upset, and I don’t automatically dismiss their feelings. Instead, I allow them to gather their thoughts.
Ultimately, my husband and I maintain the final say, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be receptive to our kids’ ideas and incorporate their input into our decision-making. Sometimes, they present us with remarkable solutions when we involve them in the problem-solving process.
Conclusion
So yes, we may give our kids an inch—or two, or even twelve. And guess what? They usually don’t try to take a mile. Our children demonstrate respect because they’ve grown up in an environment of mutual respect. With one child nearing her teenage years and another on the brink of entering that phase, neither exhibits tendencies to take advantage of our openness.
Our adaptable parenting approach has proven beneficial for everyone involved. It fosters a strong bond with our kids while equipping them with essential life skills. Having witnessed its effectiveness over the years, I wouldn’t change a thing.
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Summary
Our family embraces a flexible parenting style, finding a balance between strict authority and permissiveness. By engaging our children in discussions, we foster an environment where their opinions are valued and respected. This approach not only cultivates a strong family bond but also equips our kids with essential life skills for the future.