Just yesterday, I took my son, Jamie, to the orthodontist to pick up his new retainer, following a mishap with the previous one that our dog, who typically prefers napping, decided to chew up. Jamie had been so diligent in caring for his retainer, wrapping it up during meals and keeping it safe. The first replacement was complimentary, but after the second one broke, I found myself at the office to purchase a third.
As I was completing the checkout process, I recalled that Jamie needed an appointment for braces. “I’d like to schedule an appointment for my youngest,” I said. “His name is Jamie.” I hesitated to share Jamie’s birth name, James, since he has recently expressed joy when misidentified as a girl. When asked, Jamie simply said, “Just go with it. I don’t mind if people think I’m a girl.” Yet, he has also made it clear that transitioning or identifying strictly as a girl is not something he desires.
Navigating Gender Identity
Navigating gender identity is an intricate journey, especially in a community where many people are familiar with Jamie from birth. Up until fifth grade, he was referred to with he/him pronouns. Recently, however, he has started presenting in ways traditionally associated with girls, sporting long hair, vibrant clothing from stores like Justice, and accessories that highlight his unique style. Although he embraces this presentation, he still identifies as a boy.
Children often can’t hide their gender identity, unlike adults who might relocate for anonymity. Other kids frequently ask straightforward questions that indicate a lack of understanding about the nuances of gender. To add to this, many schools engage in gender-segregated practices daily, such as lining up boys and girls separately, which can be a constant reminder for non-binary kids that their identities may not be acknowledged.
A Conversation with the Receptionist
As I spoke to the receptionist, she inquired about Jamie’s birthday. When she used “his,” I felt a familiar pang of discomfort. Jamie, who typically avoids the spotlight, sensed the impending conversation and asked to wait in the car. This time, I agreed, handing him the keys and watching him leave.
I leaned in closer to the receptionist and explained, “Jamie is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns.” She gave me a puzzled look, and I continued, “I know this might be a bit awkward, but I appreciate your understanding.” As I elaborated, I could tell that she was trying to process this new information.
“Should I refer to Jamie as ‘she?’” she asked cautiously. I gently corrected her, explaining that Jamie is not male or female but rather exists outside of those traditional categories. “Jamie was assigned male at birth but presents in a more feminine way. However, he doesn’t wish to transition.” The receptionist’s expression shifted from confusion to concern, and I realized I may need to clarify further.
I simplified it by stating, “Jamie may or may not be transgender—he’s only 11.” This seemed to resonate more with her. The other receptionist even nodded in understanding, admitting they had not yet encountered a patient using they/them pronouns. I joked, “Well, now you have! What do we get for being the first?”
Despite my lightheartedness, we still hadn’t settled the pronoun issue. It was evident that the system didn’t have an option for non-binary identifiers, and I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me as I recognized how awkward and challenging this experience was.
The receptionist offered to add a note to Jamie’s file for the orthodontist and anyone else working with him, and I felt relieved. After confirming the details, I left the office with a sense of gratitude for their willingness to understand.
Reflecting on the Experience
Reflecting on the appointment, I realized I should have sought out a more inclusive orthodontist, especially since I have a list of trans-friendly practitioners. However, I also considered that my experience might make it easier for someone else in the future.
As I approached the car, I was met with Jamie’s exasperated, “Wow, that took forever!” I hesitated to explain the 30 minutes I’d spent discussing pronouns, knowing that for his generation, these conversations are often second nature. Instead, I simply replied, “Yeah, they were really busy.”
Conclusion
In summary, navigating the complexities of gender identity with a non-binary child can be challenging, particularly when interacting with systems that are not yet fully equipped to accommodate diverse identities. It’s essential to advocate for our children while also seeking understanding from others.