“Mom, do most divorced people get along like you and Dad, or do they typically dislike each other?”
My son Noah and I are on a rare outing, just the two of us, driving to a movie while the rest of our blended family is occupied elsewhere. It’s a delightful mother-son date, and I relish the chance to delve into his thoughts.
“I’m not sure. What do you think?”
“I think most divorced people can’t stand each other.”
Noah continues to share stories about kids in his middle school who act as intermediaries for their feuding parents, relaying messages and trying to patch things up. He describes adults bickering on the phone and friends who dread custody exchanges, some even feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. He’s only in seventh grade.
“Why don’t you and Dad argue like that?”
I often face this question, but not from my children. Typically, it comes from adults curious about how my ex-husband, Tom, and I maintain a friendly relationship. Was our divorce smooth? Not at all. Surely, there’s something special about us that makes us different from other divorced couples.
In reality, our circumstances are not exceptional. Our separation was painful; we both endured heartache and placed blame on one another. We felt isolated and as though we had failed in the most significant mission: creating a family.
I explain to Noah, “Your dad and I don’t fight because we made a conscious choice during our separation to treat our divorce as a single wound.”
I can see his puzzled expression, so I elaborate. Tween boys generally don’t ask follow-up questions, but I want him to grasp this concept.
“When we decided to end our marriage, we understood it would impact all of you. It would be challenging for everyone involved. We could choose to hurt you once and then each pursue our own happiness, or we could inflict pain repeatedly by fighting over every little issue. Some parents continue to harm their families by staying together when their relationship is no longer healthy. Others continue the conflict after separating by arguing over everything — from visitation schedules to vacations.”
He’s paying attention.
I share with him that there was a time when his dad and I didn’t communicate for months after our separation. He doesn’t remember that period. I recount the late-night arguments we had when he and his siblings were asleep. Despite our differences, we had one mutual agreement: our divorce would be the only significant source of pain for our children. This resolution was born in therapy as our marriage ended. Even when we found ourselves at odds in many areas, we united on this essential principle.
“Your dad and I still have our disagreements. We each bring different perspectives to parenting. You know that better than anyone since you live with both of us. Our parenting styles vary, and we discipline you differently. But we share the same priority: you. We are committed to co-parenting because it’s what’s best for you.”
“Your dad and I care about you too much to let hatred come between us.”
I remind him that harboring resentment toward his dad would mean I would be resenting half of his identity. Allowing anger about Tom to fill my thoughts would cloud the joyful memories of our marriage and the start of my journey into motherhood. Choosing animosity over love would distort the narrative of our children’s lives.
I’m only human. I don’t have a catalog of solely happy memories from our time together. Disagreements with my ex still arise, even when we prioritize our children and present a united front. I’m sure he feels the same way. I can sometimes detect a hint of irritation in his voice when he thinks I’m being overly demanding. Our history is complicated, rife with pain and resentment. We are divorced, after all, and chose not to walk this path together.
Yet, we chose to co-parent. We decided, individually and even in times of disagreement, to work as a team. Even when things got messy and felt unmanageable, we kept trying. We focused on the three lives we love most and let that love bond us. Our shared goal is no different from any other family’s: to keep our children safe and whole.
Tom and I didn’t fail at building a family when we divorced. Our dedication to co-parenting and ensuring our children have a happy childhood keeps us connected. We chose the route that promotes our children’s well-being in the long run, and we made that choice together. In this way, we resemble many parents who stay married. Our commitment to peaceful co-parenting ties us together.
Peaceful co-parenting may seem like an ambitious aim. You may not be in that space right now. You and your ex might feel worlds apart. I understand; my ex and I weren’t always in sync. But harmonious co-parenting is achievable. Even for those who have experienced deep hurt. Even for those who are currently distant. Start small. Prioritize your children and take the first step today.
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In summary, navigating the challenges of co-parenting can be tough, but prioritizing the well-being of your children can lead to a healthier dynamic. Love for your child should always triumph over any resentment towards your ex.