During a break at work, I stumbled upon an insightful article by Ada Calhoun in the New York Times that delves into the evolution that married couples experience over time. The essence of her argument is that while we often believe that the person we marry will remain unchanged, the reality is that we all undergo significant transformations throughout our lives.
One particular line resonated with me: “Several long-married individuals I know have remarked, ‘I’ve had at least three marriages. They’ve all been with the same person.’” I realized that my partner, Alex, and I have navigated at least three distinct phases in our relationship: our carefree 20s, our family-focused 30s, and now our responsibility-laden 40s.
When Alex and I first tied the knot, we were completely different people. Thirteen years, three children, and numerous degrees later, it’s clear how much we have changed. At 21, I was clueless about typing, had never read a book, and my biggest aspirations were to ride mountain bikes and get inked. Fast forward to today, and I hold a graduate degree, work at a university, just inked a book deal, and drive a minivan filled with cargo shorts and work polos. We joke that if my current self met my younger self, my younger self would probably give me a hard time.
Alex has transformed, too. She was fresh out of her associate’s degree when we met, eager to settle down and start a family. Now she holds a bachelor’s degree, works in an elementary school, and has adopted a vegetarian lifestyle.
Together, we’ve evolved. Our wardrobes even mirror each other’s now; we both wear large-framed glasses and enjoy the same rom-coms. However, it’s clear that our journey from our 20s to our mid-30s has been filled with distinct phases, often with one of us moving forward sooner than the other. Initially, I was still in the socializing phase while Alex was ready to settle down. This imbalance led to many discussions about my desire to hang out with friends and attend concerts rather than fully embracing my role as a husband and father.
Eventually, I transitioned into the “finish college” phase, while Alex was focused on being at home with the kids. Now we’ve arrived at the “own a home and concentrate on our children” phase. Navigating these changes has brought its share of ups and downs, yet they’ve also helped us learn how to coexist happily.
I find this phenomenon intriguing because many couples likely don’t foresee such transformations. I once listened to a TED Talk by Dan Gilbert, who asked participants to envision themselves a decade later. His findings revealed that people tend to believe their current friendships and preferences would remain static. Yet, those who are ten years older often acknowledge significant changes. Gilbert stated, “Time is a powerful force. It transforms our preferences. It reshapes our values. It alters our personalities.” This human tendency can complicate marital relationships.
When I married Alex, I assumed we would remain fundamentally the same individuals with similar friends and interests. Sure, I anticipated physical changes, but I thought our core values and thoughts would stay constant. Reflecting back now, it’s evident how much my priorities have shifted. I no longer prioritize tattoos; my focus is on making mortgage payments. The thrill of seeing punk bands has faded, replaced by the necessity of attending my son’s soccer practices. Once, I cared about appearing cool; now, driving a practical minivan is my reality. The idea that the person you marry is an unchangeable entity is truly misguided.
In hindsight, I realize that the essence of a long-term commitment is more nuanced. It involves envisioning your partner as they grow—whether they change their beliefs, pick up new hobbies, or even develop different interests. It’s about embracing those changes and sometimes even adapting your own identity to accommodate them.
In my early days of marriage, I received plenty of advice centered on compromise and communication, but I wish someone had emphasized that change is a natural part of the journey. I may have been married multiple times to the same person, but that evolution is perfectly normal and vital for growth.
Dan Gilbert concluded his TED talk with a poignant observation: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished. The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you’ve ever been. The one constant in our life is change.” This is equally true for relationships.
For more on navigating the journey of marriage and family, check out our article on the home insemination kit and consider reaching out to experts like Intracervical Insemination for guidance. Additionally, Hopkins Medicine offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, marriage is a dynamic journey filled with change and growth. Embracing these transformations can lead to a deeper bond and understanding between partners.