This year marked my first funeral in over ten years. The heat of summer mixed with a sudden downpour at the cemetery felt oddly familiar. Just fifteen years earlier, on a somber February day, I had stood in this very spot, my boots sinking into the muddy ground, holding onto my mother and grandmother — a sorrowful chain for the grandfather who had passed. Now, on this August day, it was my grandmother’s turn to leave this world, leaving me with only one hand to hold. My mother and I stood there together, our grip tightening, a promise to support each other through the grief we both faced.
As Mother’s Day approaches, the weather has turned warmer, and my children are busy with school projects that will yield colorful creations — handprints, lace hearts, and cheerful Crayola flowers with their grinning faces at the center. My own mother is now experiencing this holiday for the first time as one of the motherless, having known the love of a mother and now having to navigate the pain of loss. I write this for her and for all those mothers searching for the comforting hand they once held.
To the mothers of young children:
I know you’ll find photos on your phone, your fridge, or social media that remind you of the one you miss dearly. You’ll awaken tired, but smile as your children bring burnt pancakes to your bedside. Every gift, whether handmade, bought, or wrapped in a tackle hug, will be praised. You’ll kiss their heads, inhaling that sweet mix of childlike scents — the smell of baby shampoo and warm breaths. Amidst the celebrations, I understand that you will mother them as you always have, even while your heart aches for the nurturing you also need.
I know you’ll hide the tears that threaten to spill over as you think of the woman who came before you. Throughout the day, snippets of her voice will linger in your mind, making this day feel more significant in her absence. At some point, you may step away, taking shallow breaths before allowing yourself to cry like the child you once were. It’s completely okay to feel that way; we all need a moment to let it out. Children know how to express their emotions wholeheartedly, with tears, snot, and red faces that leave you feeling both exhausted and cleansed.
Eventually, you will smile again as little hands check in on you. This day will conclude just as it began, with kisses, pajamas, and warm bodies to comfort you. I hope you find solace as the bedtime songs and gentle caresses work their magic, helping you let go of the day’s mixed emotions.
To mothers who are now mothers of mothers:
You’ll likely sift through old photographs tucked away in attics or albums, holding each one a little longer, wishing you could rewind time. You might want to call your kids but will wait for them to reach out first — letting them enjoy their breakfasts in bed and homemade cards because that’s how you embrace motherhood now, with patience and understanding.
I know you’ll smile through the phone, even with the background noise of laughter, arguments, or tears on their end. You will be happy for their joy, yet the silence will feel heavier once the conversation ends. You will also find moments to speak to your own mother, sharing the words you wish you could say to her if she were still here. Throughout the day, you will navigate the roles of mother, grandmother, and yes, the child missing her mother. It’s perfectly okay to experience all these feelings. As night falls, I hope you acknowledge the many Mother’s Days that have passed and those yet to come.
To all the mothers embracing the duality of being motherless while still mothering, remember that you are not alone. You do not need to confine yourself to just one role. It’s alright to cry like a child, to long for the hand you can no longer hold while also holding your children’s hands. You can be that person in the chain of red rover, reaching out to the other side even as you stand where you are now. Mother’s Day is a time for honor, which encompasses both celebration and remembrance.
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In summary, Mother’s Day can be a complex blend of emotions for those who have lost their mothers. It’s a day to honor the past while embracing the joys of motherhood today. Whether you are a mother or a mother of mothers, it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and to find comfort in both grief and love.