A few weeks ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to share my work on bullying prevention with a group of kids at a local bookstore. The joy of connecting with those enthusiastic young faces was amplified by the presence of a reporter, who wrote an uplifting piece about my book and the initiatives I run for children, parents, educators, and youth care professionals. This experience generated significant discussions in my community, as many recognized the bullying scenarios I highlighted.
Since the article was published, I’ve been moved to tears listening to parents express their frustration and powerlessness regarding their children’s experiences with bullying in schools. One particularly talented, albeit socially awkward, middle schooler shared his heart-wrenching experiences of unrelenting physical and verbal abuse on his school bus. An elementary school girl recounted how she felt compelled to abandon her Australian accent within a month of starting school in the U.S., as her classmates rejected her. The frequency of such stories never ceases to astonish me; the pervasive cruelty is staggering.
To begin, I want to emphasize that many accounts of bullying I hear are indeed horrifying and deeply cruel. However, some stories fall into a different category—one that may not warrant the same level of concern.
For instance, an acquaintance recently shared her daughter’s incident: “I saw your picture in the paper. Congrats! I didn’t know you worked with bullied kids. Things have gotten terrible! Last week, my daughter was really bullied after school when a kid from our neighborhood threw leaves in her face. She came home with leaves still stuck in her coat!”
I asked, “Was she upset?”
She replied, “No, she just brushed them off and said they were having fun together.”
Curious, I probed further, “Did she feel like she was covering for him?”
“No, she genuinely thought it was fun. She even threw leaves back at him! I told her NEVER to do that again!”
I continued to ask questions, and it turned out that this was a one-time incident involving just one boy. The mother confidently stated, “I won’t tolerate her being bullied, and I will inform the principal next time!”
While I empathize with every parent’s concern for their child’s wellbeing, it’s essential to differentiate between rudeness, meanness, and actual bullying. I learned these distinctions from renowned children’s author, Trudy Ludwig, and have found them invaluable.
Rudeness
Rudeness refers to unintentional actions that inadvertently hurt someone. For example, a relative of mine (whose name I won’t mention) often makes comments about my curly hair, suggesting I’d look better if I straightened it. While her intentions might be kind, the impact can be cringeworthy. For children, rudeness might manifest as something as trivial as burping in someone’s face or jumping ahead in line.
Meanness
In contrast, meanness involves intentional actions aimed at causing harm. It’s a deliberate effort to hurt someone, often driven by anger or insecurity. Kids may say hurtful things about each other’s appearance or worth—common phrases include “That sweater again? Get a life” or “I hate you!” Such behavior can certainly inflict deep emotional wounds.
Bullying
Bullying, however, is characterized by repeated, intentional aggression that involves a power imbalance. It’s not just a one-off mean comment; bullying is a cycle of harmful behavior that continues over time, often without remorse from the aggressor. This can take many forms, including physical aggression, verbal attacks, relational aggression, or cyberbullying. Each of these can have profound, lasting effects on a child’s mental and emotional health.
Understanding these distinctions is crucial in our current societal climate, where bullying is finally receiving the attention it deserves. However, we must be cautious not to dilute the term by using it for incidents that are simply rude or mean. If we label every negative interaction as bullying, we risk desensitizing ourselves and undermining the severity of true bullying situations.
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To summarize, distinguishing between rudeness, meanness, and bullying helps adults better support children and intervene appropriately. Recognizing these differences can be life-saving, as children may face serious consequences from bullying, making it imperative for adults to respond with clarity and understanding.