When my partner, Sarah, and I were newlyweds in early 2005, living in a tiny apartment in Provo, Utah, the conversation about starting a family became real. We had flirted with the idea during our dating years, imagining what our future child might be like — would they inherit my short stature or her slender build? Would they be boisterous and funny like me or more introspective like Sarah? The lighthearted discussions faded into a serious consideration once we tied the knot.
I’ve always had conflicting feelings about parenthood. It wasn’t that I didn’t want kids; rather, the thought of adding a child to my life filled me with anxiety over potential stressors. Living with generalized anxiety means constantly managing a flood of fears, often without a clear reason behind them.
One evening, while preparing dinner, Sarah suggested, “I think we should start trying for a baby.” I was taken aback. “Slow down,” I responded. “I think we need to hold off for a bit.” She questioned my hesitations, pointing out that we were happily married and there was no reason to wait. While I agreed with her, I couldn’t shake my worries. I fretted about sleepless nights, the unpredictability of labor, and the potential for panic attacks during those crucial moments.
Before marrying Sarah, I had spent three years figuring out the ideal balance of medication, exercise, and routines to manage my anxiety. The thought of becoming a parent made me question whether I could maintain that newfound stability. Would having a child undo all my progress? The decision felt like a leap of faith.
Fast forward a decade and three children later, I’ve come to understand that the initial leap was just the beginning of many more. Parenthood with anxiety means mustering the courage to be present for your children, even when dread looms large. It involves confronting your fears daily and seeking solace in your partner.
Parenthood adds a whole new array of fears to an already overwhelming list, yet it also provides distractions that can keep anxiety at bay. There are moments when the weight of worry about work or other obligations can feel paralyzing, prompting me to retreat to my partner for support. However, there are also times when my little ones crawl into my lap, and their warmth melts away my anxiety in an instant, making me question why I ever hesitated to embrace fatherhood.
One night, when my son, Leo, was just a month old, I found myself in the kitchen at 2 a.m. It was my shift to care for him. Instead of succumbing to my usual routine of anxiety and medication, I held him close. Wrapped in a blanket adorned with adorable bears, he radiated peace. In that moment, I reflected on my fears and realized I had a duty to be present for him. I repeated to myself, “I will not let anxiety control my life. I’ve come too far.” For the first time, I felt empowered to confront my anxiety by focusing on my children.
While there are still days when anxiety overwhelms me, I find strength in knowing I need to be there for my kids. Every time I feel anxious, I remind myself of my commitment to Leo and the others. This realization has made my journey as a parent not just manageable but deeply fulfilling.
Parenting with generalized anxiety disorder is a complex dance of fear and love, but the bond I share with my children is a powerful motivator. Their love and reliance on me make every challenge worthwhile.
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Summary:
Being a parent with generalized anxiety disorder presents unique challenges, but the love and responsibility towards children can provide strength and motivation. The journey involves confronting fears, seeking support, and finding joy in moments with your children, making the experience rewarding despite the anxiety.