As I reflect on my childhood, I recall a sunny afternoon in a beach house in North Carolina back in 1990. “Mom?” I called, but she remained engrossed in her book, a worn paperback resting on her lap. “Mom!” I tried again, feeling the heat from my folded knee sweat. Finally, she snapped, “Go find your brothers and leave me be.” In that moment, I promised myself that I would never make my child feel as unimportant as I did then.
Yet here I am, a mother of three, often breaking that promise. While I remember how it felt to be dismissed, I’ve come to believe that experiencing disappointment is beneficial for my children. This perspective is contrary to a popular quote I admire yet dislike: “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what.” Catherine M. Wallace is credited with saying, “If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big.”
I strive to connect with my kids and show them they matter, but I also believe that giving them the impression that their concerns are always the most crucial can hinder their growth. Julie Lythcott-Haims, in her book How To Raise an Adult, highlights that making kids the center of our world can deprive them of essential life skills. Overindulgence, she notes, can lead to psychological issues, including narcissism.
Developmental psychologist Lena Brooks from San Francisco explains that self-esteem stems from feeling capable of navigating the world independently. Abrasive behavior often signals deeper feelings of inadequacy. The extreme end of this can manifest into serious disorders; milder cases lead to self-centered individuals who struggle emotionally.
What Does This Mean for Effective Parenting?
Brooks suggests that while infants should feel like the center of their parents’ universe, that focus should shift as they grow. By preschool age, children need to understand that their wants are important, but not more important than everything else in life. Establishing boundaries teaches them how to express their needs respectfully and fosters healthy relationships.
Of course, it’s vital to avoid becoming overly strict. Brooks warns that if children never hear “yes,” they may face challenges too. The goal is balance—children should feel loved and valued without their desires overshadowing the world around them. This balance extends to parents’ needs and even impacts marital relationships.
Recently, while flying from California to New York, my 7-year-old spotted the first-class kits laid out on the seats. “Mommy, can I ask the flight attendants for extras?” she inquired. After a brief detour, she returned empty-handed and requested to try again. I explained, “Those look fun, but we need to let people board. You can’t go over there right now.”
She persisted, and eventually, I heard her exclaim, “You are the meanest mom in the world!” I responded, “I know, honey. I know.”
Years ago, as I stood by my mother’s hospital bed, I made a promise to be the best parent I could be—ensuring my child understands that their feelings, while valid, aren’t the center of everyone’s universe.
If you’re looking for more parenting insights, check out this article on at-home insemination kits or learn about resources like IVF for pregnancy support. For information on emotional well-being, this resource could be valuable.
In summary, parenting often requires a delicate balance between nurturing our children’s emotional needs and teaching them to navigate the world independently. Being a good mom sometimes means being perceived as “mean” when setting boundaries that promote their growth.