As a parent, I often describe my approach as “easygoing.” While I occasionally lose my patience—like any parent—I primarily focus on gentle guidance and mutual respect in my relationship with my kids. They know that my partner and I maintain the final say in our household, but we do so without being overbearing. We engage in discussions, listen to their thoughts, and allow them significant input in both their personal lives and our family dynamics.
This method generally works well, but not always. Kids sometimes stubbornly resist, even when they can’t articulate why. They may test limits to see how far they can go. Occasionally, circumstances arise that require us to insist they do things they’d rather avoid. This is where a “tough love” approach becomes essential.
I’m not referring to basic necessities, like ensuring they wear seatbelts or brush their teeth. Certain rules are non-negotiable, especially regarding health and safety. Instead, I’m talking about instilling character and responsibility. While I wish I could say that being a positive role model and fostering a loving environment is sufficient to guide my children toward good choices, that’s not always the case. And while it would be great if kids could learn everything through natural consequences, that’s not the full picture either.
For older children, the issues can involve neglecting chores or resisting commitments they’ve made. Sometimes, a conversation suffices, but at other times, they need a firm reminder that they have no choice in the matter. They might need to hear, “I won’t let you avoid this; you’ll regret it later,” even if they argue at the moment. For instance, I might say, “We’ve explained repeatedly that the cat box needs daily attention, and if it isn’t done, we’ll have to find the cats a new home where they will be cared for.” (Of course, we wouldn’t actually rehome our cats, but it does get their attention!)
There are instances when a firm stance is necessary. We must reassure them that we won’t allow them to slip into laziness or let discomfort guide them down a detrimental path. Sometimes, they require a figurative kick in the backside to help them establish and maintain healthy habits.
Determining when to adopt a tough love stance can be tricky. I usually assess if there are underlying emotions or stressors that need addressing first. I explain the reasoning behind our rules or requests to ensure they grasp their significance. It’s only when I sense they genuinely need a nudge—something we all occasionally require—that I switch to my “serious” face and enforce the rules.
Knowing your children well helps you identify when they need firmness versus flexibility. The challenge arises when they think they want one thing but actually need another. Those moments are particularly challenging for me as a parent; when my child is distressed and insists they require something that I know is not in their best interest. Tough love can be difficult for moms who are naturally nurturing.
After 16 years of parenting, I trust my instincts. I always discuss any unpleasant encounters with my kids afterward, and they usually recognize that I acted in their best interest—almost always. When I’ve misjudged a situation, I take responsibility and apologize. Generally speaking, our children appreciate having high expectations set for them.
Fortunately, this approach has led to kids who rarely require heavy-handed discipline. Thank goodness, as I dislike being the “bad cop.” I believe that tough love should be used sparingly, complemented by open communication and plenty of nurturing. When a strong relationship is built on trust and respect, those tough love moments hold more meaning. They can truly be understood and felt as the loving gestures they are.
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In summary, while my parenting style leans toward gentle guidance, I recognize that tough love is sometimes necessary to help my children learn important life lessons. Balancing firmness with understanding creates a nurturing environment where kids can thrive.