It’s been a while since I watched Look Who’s Talking, but one scene sticks with me: Kirstie Alley sitting on a park bench reading about mothers dealing with postpartum depression. She defiantly declares, “Well, I’m not gonna!” Fast forward to her on the couch at home, sobbing over a random TV commercial. That was the extent of my understanding of postpartum depression before I became a mother.
Despite my best efforts to plan every detail of my pregnancy, I quickly learned that I couldn’t control whether I would face postpartum depression. All I could do was educate myself on the symptoms and potential triggers. However, I found no reference to postpartum anxiety in my readings. I was shocked to discover that around 80% of mothers experience some form of postpartum anxiety or depression, yet many remain unaware of it until they are in the thick of it themselves. Some might even go through it without recognizing what it is.
After a grueling 46 hours in the hospital, my daughter entered the world via C-section in November 2015. She was perfect, and I felt like my life was finally complete. However, as night fell on our first day as a family, I had no inkling that I would soon be engulfed by panic.
Suddenly, a wave of anxiety crashed over me in my hospital room. There was no specific trigger; I just felt an overwhelming sense of panic, desperate for fresh air. After three days in the hospital, I believed that stepping outside would make everything better. But it didn’t. The panic intensified, and with no prior history of anxiety, I was at a loss.
I can’t recall how I eventually calmed down that night. The following hours are a blur, but I remember a hospital psychiatrist visiting me the next day. He was kind and reassuring, telling me that what I was feeling was normal. Although I wanted to believe him, I felt anything but normal. My emotions had shifted from bliss to terror in a heartbeat, leaving me feeling vulnerable and confused.
Trying to rationalize my panic, I reminded myself of the chaos leading up to my C-section — two failed inductions, a botched epidural, and painful contractions. I told myself it was all part of the process and that I would feel better once I returned home. But once again, I was wrong.
Back at home, I looked around my familiar living room, now hosting a tiny new life in a rock ‘n’ play. The anxiety hit again, overwhelming me with feelings that were foreign to a new mother. It was clear this sensation wouldn’t just vanish, so I reached out to a postpartum therapist and scheduled an appointment for the next day.
Words fail to capture how transformative postpartum therapy was for me. At those initial sessions, I felt like a mere shell of my former self, yet with each visit, my therapist reassured me that I was already okay. That affirmation was crucial. While my husband and mother were incredible sources of support, I needed someone skilled in postpartum therapy to validate my feelings. I learned that my experiences were not unique and that things would improve. Gradually, they did.
As the weeks passed, I healed physically and emotionally. My husband and I established a routine with our baby, and she began to sleep for longer stretches at night. I connected with other new moms who shared similar fears, and we exchanged our experiences. Returning to work after maternity leave allowed my old life to blend with my new one, creating a sense of normalcy. The surreal fog that had surrounded me began to lift without me even realizing it.
My final session of postpartum therapy took place in the summer of 2016, about seven months after my daughter’s birth. Now, I’m the proud mother of a lively 15-month-old who is spirited and full of life. While I still have moments of anxiety, they are fleeting and manageable. I’ve become open about my struggles with postpartum anxiety with both new and old mom friends, who often respond with similar experiences. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; in fact, I view it as a badge of courage, much like my C-section scar. It was part of the journey of bringing my daughter into this world.
Becoming a first-time mom is a mix of awe and fear. If you share the joyful moments, don’t hesitate to discuss the frightening ones too. Asking for help is not just okay; it is vital for both your well-being and that of your precious baby. For further insights on navigating motherhood, check out this article on home insemination.
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In summary, my experience with panic attacks and postpartum anxiety was challenging but ultimately transformative. It’s essential to recognize that many mothers face similar struggles, and there’s no shame in seeking help. Embracing both the beautiful and frightening aspects of motherhood can lead to a richer experience for you and your little one.