Like many individuals today, I have a somewhat intertwined existence with my smartphone. It serves as my lifeline for connecting with friends, jotting down notes, creating shopping lists, managing my finances—essentially, it does it all.
But there’s one function I actively avoid: making actual phone calls. Sure, the presence of children complicates phone conversations, but that’s not the core reason for my disdain. I don’t merely find it inconvenient; I genuinely, deeply dislike it. There are three things that could make me cringe: being stuck in a room full of spiders, attempting hot yoga, or being forced to make a phone call.
When the Crawley family added a telephone at Downton Abbey, the astute Lady Grantham quipped, “Is this an instrument of communication or torture?” I might’ve been tempted to leap from my seat and shout, “Torture! Exactly!”
I know I’m not alone in dreading a call to schedule a doctor’s appointment. I’m certainly not the only one who allows calls to go straight to voicemail nearly 99% of the time. Many of us are out there dodging phone calls like they’re the plague. Why? Because it’s simply so awkward. While the discomfort of calling an unknown person is evident (don’t deny it!), I also dread speaking to friends and family over the phone.
Let’s break down the torturous experience into eight distinct phases:
- The Procrastination Phase
I delay phone calls until it’s absolutely irresponsible to postpone them any longer. During this period, I berate myself for my inability to make a simple call like a regular person. - The Ring of Desperation
Riiing. (Please don’t answer.) Riiing. (Go to voicemail, please.) Riiing. (Yes, this is it!) Riiing. (Deep breath; I’ll need to leave a message.) - The “Oh No” Pickup
“Hello?” Oh no, they picked up. My mind goes blank. Who am I calling, and why? Buy some time. “Hi! This is Jamie.” They probably already know that, since caller ID exists. I feel like a complete fool right from the start. - The Awkward Small Talk
“How are you?” “I’m fine, how are you?” “I’m good. How’s your family?” How long does this small talk have to last? How many questions can I ask? How much detail is too much? How do people survive this without wanting to vanish? - The Blind Transition
It feels like an eternity has passed—probably just 30 seconds. Now I need to transition to the reason for my call, which I can’t even recall. In face-to-face conversations, there are visual cues, but on the phone? Nothing. Just an agonizing pause followed by, “So… I’m calling because…” - The Simultaneous Talking Tango
Things might flow smoothly for a bit, but it never fails. At some point, we both start talking over each other. Awkward silence follows. “Sorry, what did you say?” “You go ahead.” “No, you!” [insert painful chuckle] The awkwardness is unbearable. - The “So, Anyway…” Wrap-Up
How do you even end a phone call? What I really want to say is, “Are you done? Because I am, and I want to hang up but don’t know how.” Instead, I end up saying, “So, anywaaayyy…” followed by something meaningless like, “I should probably get going.” (Where am I even going?) This leads to more end-of-call small talk, equally long and agonizing. - The “Who Hangs Up First?” Dilemma
Someone has to initiate the hang-up. “Well, it was great chatting.” “You too.” “Okay, talk to you later.” “Okay, talk to you later.” (Wait, didn’t they just say that?) “Bye.” “Mmmbye.” I always say “Mmmbye.” I have no idea why—maybe because phone calls are the worst.
If you’re someone who actually enjoys or doesn’t mind making phone calls, you might not understand all this fuss. And that’s perfectly fine. I’m the person for whom texting and emailing were created. I express myself much more clearly in writing, so please keep your “phone calls are more personal” opinions to yourself.
In summary, text me, message me, email me, or even send a carrier pigeon, but for the love of all that is good, please don’t call me on the phone. I probably won’t answer anyway. For further insights on home insemination, check out this excellent resource. For those exploring fertility options, consider this fertility booster for men as a helpful guide. Additionally, this source provides valuable information on sperm-friendly lubricants.