My parents were completely unaware of what transpired. The first incident occurred when I was at her house, just 7 years old, the same age as my eldest son now. She confided in me that her cousin had shown her a way to feel good. What followed was an experience I never could have imagined: she molested me.
This abuse continued during sleepovers at my home and during playdates. We would hide under my dressing table or in a closet, where she would engage in acts that felt pleasurable yet profoundly wrong. I remember feeling terrified, convinced that I might become pregnant, although I had no understanding of how that worked. I sensed the connection between her actions and my fears, which left me feeling dirty, guilty, and deeply ashamed.
My first confession came rushing out: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I touched someone and let someone else touch me.” Eventually, I found the courage to cut ties with her, pretending to be busy whenever she invited me over. Our mothers stopped leading the same Girl Scout troop, and I never spoke of it again until college.
This is precisely why I choose not to allow my children to attend sleepovers. Many people underestimate that children can be victims of molestation by their peers. According to the CDC, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience sexual abuse before turning 18. The Children’s Assessment Center of Houston defines sexual abuse as sexual activities between adults and minors or between minors when one coerces the other.
Research from Darkness to Light shows that up to 40% of children who are sexually abused face abuse by older or more powerful children. This can include that sleepover friend or their older sibling.
Moreover, I also worry about the adults involved. Here are some alarming statistics: nearly 90% of sexually abused children are assaulted by someone they know, and 60% are victimized by individuals trusted by the family. The most vulnerable age range for children is between 7 and 13, with the median age being 9 — the prime age for sleepovers.
I don’t like those odds for my child.
My concerns extend beyond sexual abuse to the risk of exposure to inappropriate content. In today’s digital landscape, I fear that my young children may encounter pornography. A New York Times report states that 42% of internet users aged 10 to 17 have viewed pornographic material. While some cite that the average age for first exposure to pornography is around 11, the actual age could be higher, possibly around 14. Regardless, I know I can set strict internet controls, but I can’t control what my kids’ friends might access on unsecured devices.
The nature of today’s pornography is starkly different from what was available in the past. It’s high-resolution, explicit, and often violent. This is how many children learn about sex. Experts note that as individuals consume more pornographic material, they often seek increasingly graphic content for arousal. As Virginia Commonwealth University professor Jennifer Johnson states, “Men who watched more pornography deliberately conjured up pornographic images to maintain arousal during sex and preferred pornography over real-life sexual encounters.”
I want my kids to see family-friendly movies during sleepovers, not graphic depictions of violence and degradation.
Unfortunately, I don’t know which families I can trust. For now, we’ve instituted a no-sleepover policy. When asked, we simply say our kids sleep in the same house with us. As they grow older, maintaining this ban may become challenging.
When the time comes for sleepovers, we will ensure adequate supervision and have candid discussions with other parents, just as we would about potential hazards like firearms. I would prefer to express my concerns than face the unthinkable. I want to protect my children from molestation and exposure to graphic content. So, for now, they won’t be staying overnight at anyone else’s home — because the truth is, you never know what could happen. My parents certainly didn’t.
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