A friend of mine, Jamie, recently took to social media to express her frustration about people labeling the sperm donor who helped her and her partner, Alex, as the “dad.” Jamie emphasized that he is a donor, not a dad. However, her main grievance lay in the incessant inquiries about which of them is the “real” mom of their child. Judging by the overwhelming responses she received, many LGBTQ+ parents share her exasperation.
Most inquiries stem from ignorance and genuine curiosity; people often do not intend to alienate either parent. They may not realize that asking who the “real” mom is subtly implies that the mom who carried the child holds a more legitimate role than the other. In reality, one of us carried that spirited child for nine months while the other was there every step of the way—building cribs, soothing tantrums, and changing diapers. Both are equally invested and loving mothers, and the biological connection is ultimately irrelevant.
Many LGBTQ+ families are open to discussing their unique dynamics and would be happy to educate others about their experiences. Engaging in respectful dialogue can foster understanding and acceptance. However, questions like whether we used a “turkey baster” while unloading groceries are inappropriate—just as we wouldn’t inquire how straight couples conceived their kids. If you’re curious about how two women create a family, consider starting with a polite disclaimer: “If this is too personal, just let me know. I’m genuinely interested in how you made your family.” This approach allows for an open exchange while respecting boundaries.
In certain situations, such as when a medical professional needs to know the biological mother for health reasons, it’s understandable to inquire. In these cases, addressing both moms as parents and using terms like “your moms” when speaking to the child is the most considerate way to navigate these conversations. Would you walk up to a traditional family and question the man about being the “real” dad? Likely not, because it simply doesn’t matter. He’s just a father, just like we are mothers.
Being a “real” mom isn’t defined by who gave birth but by the love, care, and dedication put into parenting. Late-night feedings, emotional support, and sharing milestones define motherhood. Both of us would go to any lengths for our child, even if they are currently demanding a “lellow” balloon. We’re in this together, navigating the beautiful chaos of parenthood.
As mothers, whether gay or straight, we must support each other and acknowledge the hard work, patience, and love that motherhood requires. It’s essential to unite rather than create divisions among ourselves. Regardless of whether our child came from our bodies, our partner’s, or a donor willing to help us, we are both “real” moms. We don’t seek validation from others, nor do we want to feel that our roles are secondary.
We understand that curiosity is human, and many genuinely mean well. So, to answer your question: we are both the real moms.
For those interested in exploring how to start a family through at-home insemination, you can check out this comprehensive guide on artificial insemination kits. It’s also worth looking into IVF options for further insights into family planning. For couples in Philadelphia, Embryoscope technology provides an innovative approach to conception.
In summary, let’s promote understanding and respect in conversations about family dynamics. We are all navigating the same journey of parenthood, regardless of our different paths.