A few days ago, my daughter was behaving poorly—let’s just say she was being quite unpleasant to everyone around her. Her manners had completely disappeared, and she was quick to blame others for her frustrations, particularly her younger sibling. In reality, they were both equally at fault, engaging in their usual sibling squabbles.
Initially, I tried to adopt my most patient yet authoritative parenting approach. I suggested she take some time alone in her room to collect her thoughts, hoping to address whatever was bothering her without the added intensity of her current mood. I even offered to join her to provide some support. Unsurprisingly, she dismissed my attempts, insisting that I was the source of the problem (ah, the joys of the tween years).
I made it clear that I couldn’t engage or do much with her until she began to communicate more respectfully with those around her. When she lashed out at her sibling, causing them to cry, I had to enforce a consequence: she lost her screen time for the day.
This seemed to put a damper on things for the remainder of the day, but her behavior persisted over the next few days. Despite having over a decade of parenting experience, I found myself questioning my methods. Was I too lenient? Was I being too strict? What was going on with her?
Then, during a particularly challenging stretch, my daughter walked into my workspace, where I was trying to focus on some tasks. I was tempted to send her away, but she simply said, “I just want to be close to you.”
Whoa. When a moody tween expresses that, you listen. I let her come closer, sharing the article I was working on and asking for her thoughts. After we finished up, we spent some time just being together, wrapping up in a blanket and engaging in casual conversation. She rambled about video games and school, and while it wasn’t groundbreaking, it felt heartwarming to reconnect.
Predictably, after that half-hour of dedicated attention, her behavior took a noticeable turn for the better—not just for that day, but for the entire week following. Most of the attitude and misbehavior seemed to disappear.
I’m not entirely sure why she needed that extra connection at that moment. It wasn’t an unusually stressful week at home, and I couldn’t pinpoint any specific issues at school or with friends. Regardless of the reason, this simple act of reconnecting proved to be the solution.
This isn’t the first time I’ve discovered that addressing behavioral issues can be as simple as spending quality one-on-one time together. It serves as a reminder of the foundation of our relationship—a way to communicate, “I may not know what you’re going through, but I see you, and I’m here.”
I often overlook this approach because I tend to focus on the immediate behavioral issues. Yes, misbehavior, especially if it’s harmful or cruel, needs to be addressed promptly. However, when typical disciplinary methods aren’t yielding results, taking time for quality interaction may just be the remedy for both you and your child. At the very least, it can help ease tensions.
Disciplining children can be incredibly challenging. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and what works for one child may not work for another. Most days, I feel like I’m navigating this journey as I go. Nevertheless, taking time to reconnect with my kids during difficult moments often leads to a much more positive atmosphere for both of us. If it doesn’t resolve the underlying issue, it at least fosters a calmer environment to tackle it. And those extra cuddles with a growing child are a delightful bonus.
In summary, when your child is acting out, consider setting aside time for meaningful interaction. Fostering that connection can sometimes provide the relief both of you need, transforming misbehavior into moments of understanding.