Just days after returning from our honeymoon, I impulsively decided to cut off nearly a foot of hair that I had grown for our wedding. I didn’t even mention it to my husband beforehand, let alone ask for his permission.
I tend to make spontaneous choices like this, and I find it exhilarating. On a whim, while flipping through a magazine with a colleague, I spotted a stunning hairstyle and immediately booked an appointment. After all, if my husband were to seek permission for a haircut, that would feel rather strange, wouldn’t it? So why should I do the same?
My aversion to seeking permission likely stems from my adolescent years. In seventh grade, I wanted to change my shoulder-length bob to a daring asymmetrical cut that was all the rage. When I asked my father for approval, his response was a firm “no.” I remember lying on my bed, sulking over a magazine, wishing for a more fashionable look. It puzzled me why I couldn’t just make a simple change to my hair—it was mine, after all.
Experiences like that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I dislike feeling constrained and believe I shouldn’t need anyone’s permission—be it my husband, friends, or societal norms—to pursue what I desire. This doesn’t mean I’m a rebel aiming to create chaos; rather, I’m an adult who wants to make adult decisions. I waited long enough for this freedom, and sometimes I simply want to act without consulting anyone.
My husband and I do discuss significant life choices together. Decisions regarding purchasing a home or a vehicle are joint efforts. However, when it comes to personal choices like haircuts, tattoos, or those jeans I’ve had my eye on, I just go for it. My husband is aware of my proactive nature, which I believe is one of the reasons he chose to marry me. I often remind him of this—especially when my latest Amazon Prime packages arrive!
I’m also known to tackle other semi-significant matters independently, like planning vacations or redecorating our living room. He enjoys surprises, and I relish doing things I love.
When I want to do something, I either take action or engage in an open conversation about it. For instance, I might say, “I’m planning a weekend trip to the city with my best friend,” rather than asking, “Can I go?” because I am not a child. We coordinate schedules to ensure there are no conflicts—like his work obligations or our kids’ activities—and then off I go for some shopping and fun.
If our children witnessed us seeking permission from each other, it might suggest a lack of trust in each other’s ability to make sound decisions. I don’t micromanage my husband, nor does he manage me. After all, he’s my partner, not my child. For example, when he came home with yet another kayak—making three in total—he didn’t seek my approval. I told him to enjoy it. It’s his passion, we can afford it, and it brings him happiness.
However, I must confess that after stepping away from work, I felt compelled to ask before spending money. Suddenly, I felt as if I lacked the right to make purchases without approval. Fortunately, my younger sister quickly set me straight by saying, “What are you doing? Don’t ask for permission! You work too.” Her words were a wake-up call. My hesitation had shifted the balance in our home dynamic, and it wasn’t positive. My husband didn’t want me to seek permission, as it felt just as awkward to him as it did to me.
Regardless of whether one works or stays home, partners are equals. Each contributes to the household, and asking for permission to cut hair or buy shoes is simply demeaning.
We function as a team. This doesn’t imply that we impulsively make purchases or decisions without consideration. It means we are two adults who love, respect, and trust each other while also recognizing our individuality. When significant family matters arise, we engage in meaningful discussions, weighing the pros and cons together. But asking for permission is never part of the equation.
Ultimately, one of the joys of adulthood is the freedom to make choices for oneself. Sometimes I do this with my husband’s support, and at other times, I don’t. But I’ll be clear: if he brings home another kayak, I just might lose my mind.
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In summary, I believe in making my own decisions without seeking permission from my partner. Our relationship thrives on mutual respect, and we are both capable of making choices that reflect our individuality while still being a united front on significant matters.