Updated: Feb. 14, 2017
In my 20s, I spent a significant amount of time embodying what many refer to as the “Cool Girl.” This wasn’t about actually being cool or perceived as such; it was more about my obsession with shaping myself into the type of woman I believed would be most advantageous, regardless of the negative impact it had on myself or the other women around me. I rejected feminism and felt an incessant need to compete with my fellow women, often resorting to ridicule, especially in front of men.
The archetype of the Cool Girl is familiar to many. She goes out of her way to assert that she prefers the company of men over women, often labeling herself as “one of the guys.” Disdain for “drama” is her hallmark, yet she readily joins men in disparaging other women, both individually and as a group. When allegations of violence against women arise, she’s quick to suggest that some women may be lying. The Cool Girl is someone who dismisses casual misogyny and sexist jokes, priding herself on being “chill.” She shuns the label of “feminist” and revels in traditionally masculine interests such as sports, gaming, and casual relationships.
It’s essential to recognize that many women genuinely enjoy these activities. I, too, have always been passionate about sports and currently work in sports media, where the pressure to fit the Cool Girl mold can be intense. Women in this field are expected to be attractive yet low-maintenance, assertive but not overly political, and knowledgeable without overshadowing their male counterparts. The sports media landscape is filled with women striving to balance these expectations, often for career advancement or merely to survive. Unfortunately, women who advocate for equality and feminism often struggle to gain the same acceptance, as one colleague once told me, “No one wants a buzzkill on their TV.”
This phenomenon is not just limited to young women starting their careers. Consider the case of seasoned college football reporter, Emma Collins, who, after confronting a colleague for a disrespectful comment, found herself at a press conference where the head coach made a crude joke about women in bikinis.
Reflecting on my past as a Cool Girl became particularly poignant during the 2016 election, when numerous women aligned themselves with Donald Trump, despite his history of misogynistic behavior. What drives women to dismiss the issues that affect their sisters? Why would they align with someone who embodies toxic masculinity?
“Women are conditioned to view each other as competitors,” notes activist Sarah Thompson. “The belief is that by distancing themselves from other women and aligning with men, they will gain respect and favor.” This idea, known as “proximity to power,” suggests that by associating with those in power, one can access that power themselves. Writer and activist Clara Bennett highlights that the Cool Girl is a societal construct rather than a mere phase.
The reality is that there are rewards for conforming to sexist norms, regardless of gender. During my Cool Girl phase, I believed that by ingratiating myself with men, I could shield myself from the treatment I observed affecting other women. However, the downside is that when you’re “one of the guys,” men often feel free to speak about women in derogatory ways. I’ve sat through conversations where a woman was reduced to nothing more than a subject of scrutiny concerning her looks and sexuality. I remained silent, complicit in a system that ultimately offered me no real protection.
While I’m not proud of this phase, I can attribute it to youth and a lack of feminist role models. But what about the middle-aged women who vehemently criticized Hillary Clinton and those who accused Trump during the campaign? What excuses do they have?
“They want to appear laid-back and not like those serious feminists who challenge male behavior,” explains Thompson. “At the core, there’s internalized misogyny and a longing for power by association.” This lack of evolution in feminism is alarming. “The acceptance of various feminisms, including the tolerance of blatant sexism, is troubling,” asserts Bennett. “Feminism should focus on solidarity among all individuals to combat systemic issues rather than pit women against each other.”
Ultimately, the Cool Girl persona trapped me. I realized that what I once dismissed as harmless male banter was, in fact, the everyday sexism that hindered my career. After years of laughing off inappropriate jokes, I discovered that my Cool Girl facade earned me no additional respect when I finally spoke up. In the end, men treated me no differently than any other woman.
Thompson acknowledges this awakening is common among women. “Many women only realize the pitfalls of aligning with men when they face betrayal,” she says. “The idea of safety through proximity to power is a deceptive trap.”
Now, 15 years past my Cool Girl days, I advocate for feminism and equality. Whenever I see young women on social media disparaging feminism, I’m grateful that platforms like Twitter didn’t exist to chronicle my past views. Despite my history, I worry that the internalized misogyny in some young women may prevent them from embracing feminist ideals.
Thompson remains hopeful. “I believe that educating people about systemic sexism, racism, and other forms of oppression can open eyes. Whether it’s about controversial figures or women endorsing harmful attitudes, the key is to highlight how the system disadvantages everyone, rather than framing individuals as villains.”
This article originally appeared on The Establishment.
Summary
The “Cool Girl” archetype represents women who prioritize acceptance from men over solidarity with other women, often leading to internalized misogyny. While many women feel pressured to conform to this ideal, it ultimately undermines their self-worth and perpetuates sexism. True empowerment comes from supporting one another and recognizing the systemic issues that affect all women.