When my partner and I exchanged vows in October 2009, we opted to create our own. I loved the idea of adding personal touches and humor. I spoke about cherishing his playful nature and mentioned my support for his fantasy football teams (a little white lie, as I’m not a fan).
I didn’t specifically mention the phrase “in sickness,” assuming it was an understood commitment. After all, when your partner faces serious health issues like cancer or dementia, you naturally assume you’ll be there for them—eventually, when you’re older and wiser.
Fast forward precisely six years and five months. My partner is in surgery, having a tumor removed from his brain—a mass taking up about a quarter of its space. We later learn that while the surgery was a success, he is diagnosed with grade III brain cancer. This means six weeks of daily radiation and 13 months of chemotherapy lie ahead. For the foreseeable future, we’re entrenched in “sickness.”
I had, perhaps naively, thought that facing cancer or any severe health challenge would draw us closer together. I envisioned it as a catalyst for gratitude and love, a reminder of how fleeting life can be. However, cancer is relentless in its effort to drive couples apart. It doesn’t come alone; it arrives with a host of complications—physical and emotional changes, financial strain, exhaustion, stress, and even decreased intimacy. These challenges, combined with the everyday ups and downs of marriage, can create a perfect storm for resentment and conflict.
The guilt I experience when I argue with my partner during such a critical time is overwhelming. I wish I could be a steadfast rock, carrying the burden alone, but life doesn’t pause for illness, especially with children involved. We still confront the usual marital issues, yet they are intensified by the enormity of our situation. There have been instances when I couldn’t confidently assert that our marriage would endure.
After yet another emotional outburst, we sought couples therapy at a supportive cancer facility in our community. One of the first insights we received was that, although we’re navigating the same journey, our coping mechanisms can be drastically different. What my partner requires to face each day as a cancer patient may be the opposite of what I believe he needs as his caregiver. Recognizing that we are both justified in our feelings is crucial. The path forward is not straightforward; it requires ongoing communication to prevent resentment from overshadowing love.
Though I may struggle to grasp how my partner is processing his illness—if he’s processing it at all—I remind myself that neither of us can fully comprehend the other’s experience. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be a caregiver, just as I cannot fathom the reality of living with cancer. We are both simply trying to do our best.
We have not yet emerged from this tumultuous period, so I cannot definitively say that everything will turn out alright. However, I can assert that, in sickness as in health, the most essential thing we can offer one another is support and understanding. As my partner eloquently expressed in his vows, “No matter what we face, our love remains the most important aspect of our lives.” And indeed, it is.
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Summary
The journey through illness in a marriage can be fraught with challenges that test the strength of the partnership. While facing cancer can bring about unexpected difficulties, maintaining open communication and support is vital. Couples must navigate their unique experiences while remembering that love ultimately prevails.