“Your baby needs to learn a lesson!”
Isn’t it interesting how everyone seems to have an opinion on how to raise your child? I trust my own maternal instincts, even if I’m not a perfect parent. Most of the time, my instincts guide me well. But why does so much parenting advice contradict what we inherently feel? Or is it just me? (As a side note, I wish my instincts had warned me against taking a bath with a baby who has the stomach flu. Where’s that advice when you really need it?)
One of my biggest frustrations right now is this idea of “teaching my baby a lesson.” My little one is just 10 months old—he’s a baby! Babies don’t need lessons on anything. Unless it involves mastering the art of brewing coffee or opening a wine bottle, they’re just not ready for that. What they truly need is to grow, explore, play, and most importantly, to be loved. They also need to be gently discouraged from playing with the dog’s water bowl.
Recently, we hit the separation anxiety phase hard. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of this parenting gig, my little guy cries if I even glance at the door. It’s draining. I feel like I’m constantly touched out and have very little left to give. At our nine-month pediatrician appointment, she assured me that he was healthy, happy, and meeting developmental milestones. I felt proud checking off the list: crawling? Yes. Pulling up? Yes.
Then came the dreaded question, “Is he sleeping through the night?” My eyes widened as I explained that while he stays asleep once he finally drifts off, getting him to sleep is a battle. Before I could elaborate, she jumped right in, “You need to let him cry it out.”
I asked if there were any gentler alternatives. She pressed me, “Have you tried letting him cry it out?” I admitted that we had, out of sheer desperation. The result? Fifty-eight minutes of gut-wrenching crying, after which I picked up my very sweaty, frightened little boy. It was a nightmare.
She suggested that we needed to be consistent and try again the next night. I was baffled. “No, we didn’t. It was torture for everyone.”
Then came her shocking response: “Well, he won. You have to teach him that you won’t come back. If he gets so upset he vomits, just clean it up. It’s normal. He needs to learn that you won’t give in.”
Did she just say my baby needs to realize I won’t return when he cries? That’s not how I want to parent. My priority is to ensure he knows I will always come back. If he needs me, I will be there without a doubt.
I shared research showing that letting babies cry can lead to elevated cortisol levels, which can harm their developing brains. Her response was disheartening: “He won’t remember this when he’s older.”
But how does that justify anything? Just because a child doesn’t remember an experience doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. This notion of using forgetfulness as a rationale for harmful practices is troubling. Right now, my baby’s memory is limited, but that doesn’t mean I can neglect his needs.
Fast forward to yesterday. The separation anxiety was palpable as I left for work. Despite usually enjoying time with others, he cried out in sheer terror as I stepped out. I had to focus on my work, but the thought of him upset gnawed at me. When I returned, he refused food and was visibly distressed, worried that I had abandoned him.
I know I can’t avoid leaving him sometimes, but I want to challenge the perspective surrounding this anxiety:
- “He needs to learn to be independent.”
- “It’s good for him to cry; babies cry.”
- “You’re spoiling him by giving in.”
- “You can’t pick him up every time he cries.”
- “Teach him to self-soothe.”
- “He’ll be too attached.”
- “He won’t know how to socialize at five.”
This separation anxiety is a natural developmental phase, often beginning when babies start to crawl. It’s a biological instinct for their safety, not a sign of poor parenting. Remember, if you’re experiencing this, it’s not your fault, Mama. We need to push back against societal pressures that make us feel inadequate as parents. Trust your instincts—they know your child better than anyone else.
If your older child feared the dark, would you leave them alone in a dark room to cry? No, you’d provide comfort, maybe a night light, and help them confront their fears gradually. This is a phase that will pass. Forcing them into uncomfortable situations rarely does more than cause harm.
I have my own fears—like snakes. No one is trying to shove one into my hands to “help me overcome it.” Instead, we need to guide our babies through this tough time. Show them they’re loved and supported. When they feel secure, they’ll eventually gain the confidence to navigate the world on their own.
We must stop trying to “teach them lessons.” Listen to your instincts and ignore the critics. You’ve got this, Mama!
For more insights on parenting and self-soothing, check out this link. It’s a great resource for navigating these challenges. You can also explore healthy grilling ideas, which can be beneficial for family meals. For additional information about pregnancy and home insemination, visit WebMD.
Summary:
This article emphasizes the importance of trusting your maternal instincts when it comes to parenting, especially during challenging phases like separation anxiety. It critiques the common advice of letting babies “cry it out” and stresses the need for nurturing and support instead. By focusing on love and security, parents can help their children develop confidence over time.