I wouldn’t classify myself as a severe insomniac; I don’t go days on end without sleep. However, I struggle with sleep maintenance insomnia, which means I can’t seem to stay asleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. At 34 years old, I can’t recall a single night of uninterrupted sleep.
Before my children arrived, I often found myself wandering through a dark house, reading or watching TV until I could finally drift off. In an ideal night, I might get five to six hours of sleep, but now, with three kids in the mix, that number has dwindled to three or four hours. While this isn’t too terrible occasionally, the years of continuous interrupted sleep can really take a toll.
Juggling parenthood and insomnia feels like being in a mismatched rhythm. I wake up for seemingly no reason, and just as I manage to doze off again, one of the kids is awake, asking for water or seeking comfort after a nightmare. As a parent with insomnia, you often exist in a hazy state, neither fully awake nor fully asleep, moving through the day in a fog of exhaustion. Sleep is a constant thought, an elusive goal that seems perpetually out of reach, yet it drives me forward, hoping that tonight might be different.
When my son was born, he would only sleep for two-hour stretches, needing someone to hold him throughout the night. My partner and I divided the night between us, but even during my assigned hours, I found myself wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Back then, I was in college and often dozed off in class, in hallways, and even on buses, waking up disoriented in unfamiliar places.
The toughest part of being a sleep-deprived parent is that it often translates to sleepless children. I come from a family with a history of insomnia and narcolepsy, and while the chances of all three of my kids inheriting these traits are slim, their restless nights certainly feel connected to my own struggles.
Caffeine has become my lifeline, keeping me alert throughout the day, even if it complicates my sleep issues. I often find myself joking about my tired appearance, attributing it to my kids, instead of admitting I struggle with insomnia. However, this can open the door to judgment from other parents who might assume my children’s sleep habits reflect my parenting skills—a notion that is utterly unfair.
Even as I write this, fighting off sleep, I think about my two-year-old daughter who kept me awake for two hours, squirming and struggling to settle down. I was there for her, providing comfort, fully understanding her plight because it mirrors my own lifelong battle with sleep. Despite my exhaustion, I want her to know she is not alone in the darkness, as insomnia often brings a sense of isolation and endless waiting for sleep that may never come.
However, I also recognize that my children have given my sleepless nights a sense of purpose. There were times during my college years as a full-time student and bartender when I barely saw my kids. The quiet of the night became my only opportunity to address their needs, hold them close, and hear those heartwarming words, “I love you, Daddy.” While I often grumble about my fatigue, I reminisce fondly about moments when my son would clutch my arm after a nightmare or when I would cover my daughter with a warm quilt, feeling fulfilled despite the lack of rest.
In those late hours, I feel a sense of importance and value. The sacrifices made when sleep is scarce highlight a profound dedication to my children. Choosing to forgo sleep for their comfort is a testament to the love and commitment that defines parenthood.
So, to all the parents grappling with sleeplessness, remember: the sacrifices you make for your children in the quiet of the night do not go unnoticed. Your commitment to your children’s needs amid your own exhaustion is a true mark of dedication.
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In summary, being a parent with insomnia is a tough journey filled with exhaustion and sacrifice. But the love for our children transforms sleepless nights into moments of connection and purpose, reminding us that our dedication is invaluable.