There’s a curious pattern that emerges when you enter a romantic relationship: friends and family begin to ask about your engagement plans. Once you get engaged, they’re eager to know your wedding date. After the big day, the next question is often about children. And when that first baby arrives, the inquiries shift to the baby’s name and gender. Once you step into the realm of parenthood, however, the questions quickly evolve to when you plan to have another child.
For many, this barrage of questions can become overwhelming, especially when personal boundaries aren’t firmly established. I admit, I’ve been guilty of asking similar questions myself. But before you pose that next inquiry about a second child, consider the complexities that might be hidden behind the scenes.
After my partner, Tom, and I welcomed our first child, our lives changed in ways we never anticipated. Sleep became a luxury, our daughter had her own ideas about nighttime routines, and money was tighter than ever. Amid the chaos, there was joy, as our daughter was a cheerful and early achiever of milestones. Still, the transition to parenthood was intense, and soon people began asking when we would expand our family.
The unsolicited advice flowed freely: “You don’t want them too far apart,” or “Don’t wait too long!” Such comments often felt intrusive, even if well-intentioned. Then there were remarks from seasoned parents of two or more: “One is so easy,” or “Are you only having one?” While I recognize not all parents of multiples are dismissive, some comments felt a bit passive-aggressive.
Before we became parents, Tom and I envisioned having two children, influenced by our own upbringings. We had strong convictions about parenting, believing we would never raise our voices, allow tantrums in public, or rely on screens for babysitting. Yet, after our daughter was born, it quickly became apparent that our plans would have to be flexible.
Fast forward to my daughter’s second birthday—the time we had planned to attempt for a second child. Sitting at the dining table, a conversation unfolded that left me stunned: Tom had changed his mind about wanting more kids. I was taken aback. Was he permitted to change his mind? This pivotal dialogue led to numerous discussions, emotional upheavals, and a deep reassessment of our dreams.
I realized that if I believed in a higher power (which I do, often referring to it as God), I couldn’t control the ultimate outcome of our family plans. If we were meant to have another child, it would happen; if not, that would be our reality. I had to come to terms with Tom’s decision while remaining true to my values and not resorting to manipulation.
To find peace, I focused on cultivating gratitude for the blessings already present in my life. I reminded myself of our daughter’s joy and the love surrounding us. Recognizing that we were fortunate to have a child helped me appreciate our family dynamic. When I concentrate on gratitude, I find less room for worry about what I might lack.
Of course, there are days when I grapple with feelings of inadequacy or envy towards others. In those moments, I practice self-compassion by writing gratitude lists and reflecting on what I love about my husband. It’s essential to remember that nothing is permanent, and joy can exist in various forms.
I sometimes feel isolated in my experiences, but sharing my truth is essential. It’s crucial to acknowledge that every family carries unseen struggles, whether they involve fertility challenges, loss, or decisions like mine. I’ve learned that I can find happiness regardless of whether our family grows or remains as it is now. Most importantly, I’ve come to understand that my worth as a mother isn’t defined by the number of children I have.
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In summary, think carefully before asking someone about their plans for another child. The journey of parenthood is deeply personal and fraught with challenges that may not be visible to outsiders.