Each journey begins with the familiar prick of a needle, the clinical scent of latex gloves, and the sight of my blood flowing into sterile tubes. These samples will be sent off for analysis, and soon my oncologist will review the results to see if cancer has returned.
This routine occurs every six months, and each time, I find myself feeling adrift, like a sailboat stranded in an open sea without wind or direction. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit how challenging these appointments are for me. In many ways, I’ve progressed significantly since my diagnosis two years ago—I feel stronger, braver, and more present. My hair is even growing back, and I recently used a hairdryer for the first time. However, I also feel more vulnerable than ever, acutely aware that we’re all merely hanging by a thread, just a single phone call away from our lives being upended.
As my appointments approach, the grip of fear tightens around me, pushing my positive thoughts aside. Despite my best efforts to combat it, the relentless what-ifs take on a life of their own. I know firsthand the reality of cancer—the agonizing experience of chemotherapy, the tears I shed when my children asked, “Why can’t Mommy come with us?”
Those memories flood back, overwhelming me like an instant replay of all that could go wrong. The anxiety spirals: What if my cancer has returned? What if my cancer has returned? This endless loop of worry dulls my spirit.
It’s a frustrating waste of energy, fretting over possibilities that may never come to pass. I fully grasp that worrying steals joy from the present moment—this is advice I often share with others. Yet, as I sit in the waiting room, my husband holding my hand, surrounded by others facing their own battles, worry creeps back in. My knee bounces nervously as I ponder why the doctor is taking so long. Are they reviewing my results? Is the news too difficult to deliver right away?
I know it sounds irrational, and I cringe even typing those thoughts, but they are very real. Fortunately, this isn’t my constant state of mind. I manage to keep those suffocating thoughts at bay about 90% of the time. But when anxiety hits, it makes me feel small and helpless.
My oncologist and the nurse practitioner suggested I might be experiencing a form of PTSD and encouraged me to seek counseling for coping strategies related to my biannual checkups. I intend to make that appointment, even if it means returning to the clinic that can trigger my nausea.
“Your blood work is perfect. You can breathe now,” the nurse practitioner reassures me, holding my hand while she hands me a flyer for counseling. I finally exhale. I let the relief wash over me. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. In that moment, I silently pray for the woman in the next room, or down the hall, or even two hospitals away, who receives the dreaded news: “It looks like your cancer has returned.” I pray for her, and for all those waiting, enduring, or worrying because of cancer.
But for now, I’m okay, and I’m grateful.
In a way, I can draw parallels between my cancer journey and the chaos of a kitchen remodel. Sometimes, you start out feeling like everything is in disarray. Then life throws challenges your way, and you may feel completely dismantled. Yet, if you’re willing to face the upheaval, you can emerge on the other side, even if it means eating cereal from paper bowls and drinking coffee from dusty mugs while your refrigerator sits in the dining room. Eventually, you find moments of joy, like watching your partner prepare a Thanksgiving turkey, and you feel immense gratitude.
Summary
Navigating the emotional turmoil after battling cancer can be overwhelming, especially during routine checkups. While fear and anxiety may creep in, it’s essential to remember the importance of seeking support and embracing each moment of joy. Just as a home remodel can lead to beautiful transformations, so too can the journey beyond cancer lead to newfound strength and appreciation for life. Resources like WebMD can offer valuable information on navigating health challenges, and for those looking for ways to enhance fertility, this blog post could be helpful. Additionally, for anyone struggling with quitting smoking, consider checking out this authority site.