“I love my kids. Naturally, I do.”
It sounds like a given, right? But perhaps the “naturally” gives away a little more than intended. So let me clarify: “I adore my kids. Absolutely. But…”
But I also thoroughly enjoy being away from them. In fact, I relish it.
There, I’ve put it out there. It’s the unvarnished reality.
During their childhood, my favorite time of day was bedtime. I know this is a common sentiment among parents, but I might dare to say that I cherished it a bit more than most.
Bedtime signaled my freedom. At that hour, I could reclaim a fragment of myself, even if just for a short while. I could read, get organized, do laundry, or simply bask in solitude. No one tugging at my sleeves, no whining, no sibling squabbles, no homework oversight, and no life lessons to impart. Just me enjoying a brief escape from the demands of motherhood.
After tucking them in, I often did a little victory dance down the hallway, reveling in the quiet that followed.
I’m convinced this is why many mothers find solace in late-night snacks and a glass of wine; we crave those moments to breathe. We long for time away from our maternal responsibilities.
The school bus was a delightful sight. Watching my kids board brought an unparalleled sense of joy — a giddy feeling that was absolutely unique. Even if I was returning home to tackle chores, at least I could do so uninterrupted for a precious stretch of time. I could plop down on the couch with a bowl of buttered noodles and watch TV, free from judgment. An empty house quickly transformed into my personal oasis.
Similarly, I adored playdates. When my kids were off at a friend’s house, it felt like pure magic. Rest assured, I always returned the favor; I wasn’t the mom who dropped her kids off without reciprocating. But the moment they exited my car and headed off to play, it felt as if the universe opened up, showering me with joy.
For a couple of hours, I wasn’t responsible for anyone other than myself. I didn’t have to shape their futures or worry about their well-being.
The relief I felt when my kids weren’t around was palpable. With them away, I couldn’t mess things up. I didn’t have to censor my thoughts or emotions. I didn’t have to prioritize their needs above my own. For a little while, I didn’t have to embody the role of the ever-busy mom.
Taking a much-needed break from mom duties renewed my spirit for when I needed to jump back in.
And honestly, nothing has shifted now that they’re older. I still love when they have plans and aren’t home, and I prefer worrying from a distance rather than up close.
Perhaps I’m being overly candid, but this is the truth.
To clarify: I often lie awake at night, thinking about them. My love is fierce and unconditional, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. If they’re unhappy, I share in that unhappiness. If they’re in pain, it weighs on me. If they’re struggling, I feel their burden.
If they’re stranded on the side of the road, it’s me, half-dressed and bleary-eyed, jumping in my car to rescue them. If they stumble, I’m the one who spends hours helping them navigate through their challenges. I’m the one who ensures the house is festively decorated for holidays and whips up the best egg sandwiches. I’m the one who sends them care packages filled with snacks and thoughtful notes.
I’m present for them in every conceivable way. Yet, I also relish those moments when I’m not needed.
Actually, I love it. I hope that makes sense.
I don’t see anything wrong with feeling this way. I’ve earned my well-deserved breaks from the chaos of motherhood. I’ve raised my children to be responsible, independent adults, and they don’t require my constant oversight. They can thrive on their own, and I can enjoy my freedom, creating a delightful balance.
They know that I’m always available 24/7, even when I’m lounging in the back room, TV on, and a bowl of buttered noodles in hand.
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In summary, loving my children and enjoying time apart isn’t mutually exclusive. It’s a delicate balance that nurtures both my well-being and our relationship.