In the realm of marriage, love should not merely be a feeling but a proactive endeavor, just as Stephen Covey illustrated in his influential work, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. When a man expresses that he no longer feels love for his wife, Covey advises, “Love her.” The man counters, “But the feeling isn’t there anymore.” Covey responds, “Then love her. The absence of feelings is precisely why you should act with love.” He elaborates that love is a verb—an action that fosters the emotions associated with it. This proactive approach is vital, but what does that really entail in day-to-day life?
My partner, Jamie, and I crossed paths at a local garden center back in 2004, where she was the plant specialist and I was the store manager. Our relationship began in secrecy due to company policy, heightening the thrill of our connection. We often found ourselves sneaking away for quick kisses among the aisles, captivated by one another’s charm and warmth. Our love blossomed naturally, and it felt effortless.
Fast forward over a decade, and life has settled into a comfortable routine. With three young children, our evenings often consist of hurried Netflix sessions, one of us with a laptop, the other with a tablet, sitting together yet feeling distant. It’s easy to forget what love should look like in these moments. It’s hard to reconcile the notion of falling in love and, conversely, falling out of it. If love can be lost, does it imply that it is merely a self-operating vehicle that may lose its way?
However, that perspective is flawed. Love, once established, requires consistent action to thrive. It isn’t a passive state; it demands engagement and effort. Love manifests in countless ways: sending “I love you” texts, sharing warm embraces, planning date nights, and finding balance in responsibilities. It could mean taking care of the children while your partner takes a moment for themselves, or it’s tackling household chores together to lighten the burden. Love is about compromise, understanding, and support.
Reflecting on the words of author and counselor Sheryl Paul, many abandon solid relationships because they don’t align with unrealistic cultural expectations. She argues that we should shift our mindset from “you complete me” to “you inspire me to grow.” This shift can help create a healthier foundation for couples.
I won’t claim that Jamie and I excel at every small gesture, but I feel her love through her actions, and I trust she feels mine in return. Lasting love isn’t about euphoric highs; it’s about practical sacrifices, intentionality, and the willingness to choose love, even when frustration arises. It requires recognizing flaws and making a conscious choice to embrace your partner despite them.
Navigating this journey isn’t simple, but it’s essential to remember that love is an action.
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In summary, love in marriage requires continuous effort and action. It is about being proactive rather than reactive, making compromises, and choosing to nurture the relationship, even when faced with challenges.