When my neighbor invited me to a dinner exclusively for women in our neighborhood, I found myself doing quite a bit of planning. I checked my schedule, looked up the restaurant to review the menu (and let’s be real, the cocktail options), and even texted the group to see what everyone was wearing. I changed my outfit choice multiple times and debated whether to take my large handbag or a simple clutch while wondering if I would be chilly without a jacket.
However, there was one thing I didn’t do. I didn’t ask my partner for permission to attend.
I did mention it to him, as a matter of courtesy. “Hey, babe, I’m going out with the girls on Wednesday night. Will you be home, or should I get a sitter?” But that’s entirely different from seeking his approval.
The beauty of adulthood is that we are no longer subject to anyone else’s rules. I may have wished for a pony as a child, but as an adult, I could hypothetically acquire one by this weekend if I chose to. I could even keep it in my living room if I wanted to, and there’s literally nothing anyone could do about it. (Well, maybe the authorities might have an issue with that.)
Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch. I wouldn’t actually buy a pony on a whim and keep it indoors. But the essence remains: I didn’t leave my childhood home only to move in with someone who dictates my choices. My partner isn’t my parent; he’s my teammate.
Children need to ask for permission because their parents are responsible for their welfare. This makes sense—kids often lack sound judgment. Without restrictions, they might stay up late every night or indulge in sugary cereals for breakfast. As parents, we have the duty to guide them and sometimes say no because we understand the repercussions better than they do. This dynamic is essential in the parent-child relationship until they can assess situations for themselves.
When you seek permission from your partner, it suggests you lack the confidence to make decisions independently. I can’t endorse that mentality. There’s nothing wrong with discussing plans with each other—it’s a considerate move to avoid double-booking or missing important events. For instance, if my partner wants to enroll our child in soccer, he discusses it with me first because it impacts my schedule too. Or maybe he wants to buy a new computer but remembers that we need to replace the car tires soon. After that, I trust him to make reasonable choices that consider our family’s needs.
This philosophy is why our traditional wedding vows didn’t include the notion of “obeying your partner.” Love? Absolutely. Honor? Definitely. Obey? Not a chance. I want my dog to obey, not my partner. I have no desire to control him, nor would I want to be with someone who tries to dictate my actions. Trust is fundamental in a healthy relationship, and if one person feels the need to control the other, there are deeper issues to address beyond Friday night plans.
I have no intention of acting as my partner’s mother. I already have children who ask for permission countless times a day. When it comes to making decisions for myself, it’s reassuring to know I’m not with someone who feels entitled to “allow” me to do things.
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Summary
Open communication is vital in a relationship, but it’s essential to distinguish between consideration and seeking permission. Trust and mutual respect should guide decisions within partnerships, ensuring that both individuals feel empowered and valued.