Young children, much like your most uninhibited friends after a few drinks, excel in brutal honesty. They’ll candidly inform you if your breath is unpleasant or if they find you annoying, not to mention their opinions on passersby, such as “that guy is too heavy for those pants.”
For example, one day, while I was changing clothes, my then-3-year-old son, Oliver, was playing nearby when he dropped a truth bomb that shocked me. “Mommy! Your bottom is so big and jiggly!” he exclaimed, giggling in his innocent toddler way. His delight was akin to someone discovering unexpected cash in an old coat pocket.
My jaw dropped, and I hastily adjusted my pants, nearly hitting myself in the chin. It was a blow to my self-esteem, made worse by the fact that I knew he was right. I felt the urge to snap back, “I’ve had multiple kids and I enjoy sweets, okay?” But I quickly recognized that he wasn’t trying to be hurtful; he was merely sharing an observation that he found amusing. In his mind, he assumed I’d agree and laugh along with him. Little did he know, however, that commenting on a woman’s “jiggly” features carries risks.
Even so, I couldn’t help but feel a bit offended. “Oliver!” I said, attempting to convey my disapproval. “That’s not a nice thing to say.” His confusion was evident, as if I had reprimanded him for stating “The sky is blue.” He was simply expressing a fact, and I felt guilty for scolding him. Yet, it was essential for him to learn that remarks about people’s appearances can sometimes cross a line.
We often tell our children that honesty is the best policy, but we add numerous qualifications. Honesty is the best policy, except when you’re faced with Aunt Millie’s hand-knit socks that you dislike. It’s the best policy unless someone’s new hairstyle is questionable. It’s even the best policy unless you’re tempted to share that your mom doesn’t wear a bra during school drop-off or that you had candy for dinner last night.
We can explain that they should speak the truth, but with caution regarding others’ feelings. The challenge here is that toddlers, despite their strong beliefs in their knowledge, have a very limited understanding of emotions. They typically haven’t dealt with self-esteem issues or the sting of unkind comments about their appearance. Until they grasp the nuances of tact, it’s almost a guarantee that our children will embarrass us at some point—an unavoidable aspect of parenting, often referred to as an “occupational hazard.” (On the bright side, we can always get back at them during their teenage years.)
The best we can do is use these moments as teaching opportunities, helping them understand that some people might be sensitive about certain topics. We can encourage them to hold off on comments until they can ask us privately if they’re unsure whether something might hurt someone’s feelings.
Leading by example also proves beneficial. If they come downstairs in a clashing outfit, like a bright green superhero shirt paired with purple plaid shorts, we might say, “Great choice on your clothes! Let’s see if we can find a shirt with some purple in it to match.” Or, we could just let them wear whatever they want—after all, it’s not the end of the world.
A couple of weeks after my son’s initial comment about my “jiggly” behind, I found myself struggling to pull up my yoga pants when he walked in. I braced myself for another candid observation as he studied me with his big, curious eyes. “That’s a small butt you’ve got there,” he said sweetly.
I couldn’t help but laugh and hug him, praising his effort to say something nice. I wasn’t sure if I had successfully taught him tact, but at least it seemed he was getting the hang of it. And in doing so, I was imparting one of the essential lessons of adulthood: When discussing age or weight, being tactful is always advantageous. He’ll appreciate that someday.
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In summary, while children’s unfiltered honesty can sometimes lead to awkward moments, it’s crucial to guide them on the importance of tact and sensitivity. Ultimately, these experiences serve as valuable lessons in communication that will benefit them in the future.