Writing this has been a real challenge for me, as it feels like a definitive acknowledgment of my grief. Coming to terms with the fact that I have been grieving for over three years now makes me want to escape to my couch, binge-watch a series, and pour myself a hefty glass of wine.
Her name was Linda. She was my mother and my greatest love. I lost her in July.
From the moment she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, my world began to pivot into anticipatory grief. I have been processing, reflecting, crying, and memorializing since the day I received the heartbreaking news. It was just days after I shared my own pregnancy with twins.
Our journeys became intertwined; while she lost her ability to have children, I was using mine to bring two beautiful girls into the world. That connection was profound and deeply felt.
As I navigated my own grief, I also had to be fully present during the demanding early years of motherhood. Juggling breastfeeding, sleep training, and temper tantrums was no easy feat. My daughters, now lively preschoolers, are incredibly aware and sensitive, quickly picking up on any shifts in my emotional state. So, how does one balance their own grief while being a nurturing mother? This has been one of my most challenging yet enlightening experiences throughout this journey.
Here are three key insights I’ve gathered along the way:
- Set the Emotional Atmosphere
As parents, particularly mothers, we set the emotional tone in our homes. This doesn’t mean we need to be perfect; rather, it’s about being authentic. Acknowledging my feelings has been crucial in dealing with the overwhelming emotions stemming from my mother’s illness and decline. My daughters often check in, asking if I’m happy or sad. I openly share my sadness, and when they offer hugs and kisses, I let them know that their affection truly helps. However, they also sense when I’m not my best self, which is often when they need me most. I’ve learned to lean on my support system for help with school pickups and playdates, allowing myself the grace to be a “good enough” parent during tough times. This may mean more screen time or less pressure to create a perfect dinner. By taking care of my emotional well-being, I can better support my daughters as they navigate their own feelings. - A Legacy That Lives On
I find myself drawing strength from my mother’s wisdom through late-night texts, old emails, and cherished family mantras. Keeping a notebook filled with these reminders helps me remain grounded. The impact she made during her time with my daughters is indelible. Her phrases, like “love is a verb” and “feelings are facts,” will echo in our lives forever. I’ve also created a digital book titled The Story of GranLinda, capturing her interactions with my twins from day one. It serves as a comforting reminder for them when they miss her. I’ve come to realize that no matter how much time we have, it always feels insufficient. Yet, I celebrate the quality moments we shared. - Grieving in Waves
My mother has been gone for several months now, but she remains a frequent topic of discussion with my little ones. Their expressions of loss range from “Mummy, if you want to see your mummy, you have to die too,” to heartfelt statements like, “I miss her,” and sweet acknowledgments such as, “Mummy, GranLinda lives in our hearts now.” A wonderful grief counselor once explained that children grieve in “puddles,” where one moment they may express sadness, and the next, they’re happily engaged in play. When I broke the news of my mother’s passing, I expected an emotional outpouring, but they simply listened, hugged me, and returned to their day. I too find grief hits me in waves, transitioning from laughter to sorrow almost instantly. Over time, I’ve learned to accept that the depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love for her. Embracing these emotional “puddles” has been an essential part of my healing process.
Ultimately, I’ve discovered that we never truly “get over” grief. Instead, we develop strategies to manage it. Motherhood mirrors this reality; we don’t overcome the fatigue or anxiety; we learn to navigate it. For me, embracing the complexities of grief while parenting involves surrendering to the messiness of life. It’s a mix of sadness, beauty, and raw humanity. By modeling healthy emotional processing and sharing the enduring legacy of their incredible GranLinda with my daughters, we all can better navigate the emotional puddles that life brings.