As November rolls around, we find ourselves bombarded by the gratitude industry, with countless voices—from NPR to influential figures like Ellen—encouraging us to appreciate what we have. And who could be more grateful than mothers? We are gifted with wonderful children, whose laughter and love fill our days with purpose. Many of us have faced significant challenges to become mothers, enduring fertility treatments or adoption processes. Thanksgiving shouldn’t be the sole reminder for us to feel immense gratitude; our lives should inherently overflow with it. Right?
Yet, as a mother and someone who specializes in the psychological challenges that come with motherhood, I find myself questioning the constant push for gratitude. I’m not alone in this sentiment. A recent thought-provoking editorial in the New York Times highlighted how gratitude can sometimes veer into self-indulgence. My concern is somewhat different. While studies show that gratitude can lead to increased happiness and life satisfaction, I’ve observed that the pressure to feel thankful can actually exacerbate feelings of inadequacy among moms.
Understanding the Pressure
Allow me to elaborate. I’ve worked with numerous mothers who, despite having much to be thankful for, grapple with stress, anxiety, or depression. They often express that the incessant messages about gratitude during Thanksgiving can be painful. They understand they have plenty to be grateful for, yet they struggle with unhappiness. This dissonance can lead to feelings of guilt, as they wonder what’s wrong with them for not being content with their fortunate circumstances.
Conversely, I’ve encountered moms who find it challenging to identify anything to be grateful for. The gratitude industry has a typical response to this: a reminder to appreciate the basics, such as clean air, water, and shelter. Certainly, these are vital, but they may offer little solace to someone grappling with loneliness or despair.
The Complexity of Emotions
In my experience, the insistence on gratitude can feel dismissive, akin to telling someone, “You have [food, a loving family, etc.], so stop complaining!” However, we know that mental health issues like depression and anxiety don’t adhere to such simplistic logic. High-profile tragedies, such as the loss of beloved comedian Robin Williams, remind us that having an abundance of things to be grateful for—like wealth, family, or career success—does not shield anyone from mental health struggles.
In cognitive-behavioral therapy, we emphasize the importance of acknowledging negative emotions and practicing self-compassion. Therefore, during this season of gratitude, I strive to reassure mothers that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel both gratitude and sadness or to struggle to find things to appreciate, despite having a comfortable life.
A Balanced Perspective
So while I don’t object to the conversations about gratitude led by figures like Ellen, I believe that discussions about the importance of gratitude should also come with disclaimers, such as:
- It’s okay if you can’t think of anything to be grateful for.
- It’s okay to feel thankful for some aspects of your life while feeling discontent with others.
- It’s okay to have everything one could wish for and still not experience happiness.
Now that’s a message I can truly support.
Conclusion
In summary, while the emphasis on gratitude can be overwhelming, it’s essential to recognize that it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. Acknowledging both gratitude and sadness is part of the human experience, especially for mothers navigating the complexities of parenthood.