Dear Metabolism,
How have you been? I must admit, I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. Remember when I was 20? I could devour a whole Totino’s party pizza for lunch and still confidently rock a bikini later that day. I could indulge in a cheeseburger—complete with cheese, bread, and all the fixings—and then effortlessly do a few push-ups, and you’d be right there with me, eager to help burn it all off. Those were the golden days, and I miss them dearly.
I think it’s time for a heart-to-heart. Lately, our dynamic feels a bit unbalanced. For the past week, I’ve been chugging down green smoothies for breakfast. You know how they look—kind of like a blend of baby poop and that green concoction I once saw after too many jello shots. I drink my shake, do some sit-ups to get you revved up, and what do I get in return? Nothing! My body remains as jiggly as ever, and it’s really getting old.
Let’s be honest here: you’ve been slacking off. You don’t check in, you don’t call, and you certainly don’t let me enjoy cake without it haunting my waistline. How is that fair? I love cake! Can’t you put in a little more effort? I’m even willing to give up my beloved Sunday football beers and discuss last Friday’s ice cream incident if we can find a middle ground on the cake front.
I’ve been making a genuine effort to mend our relationship. I’ve upped my exercise, started eating smaller meals more frequently—all the things you suggested would make you happy. Yet, every morning, I step on the scale or try to squeeze into my pants, and once again, you’ve let me down. The scale is aware, my favorite jeans are aware, and I certainly am aware.
I need you to step it up! Take those 12 almonds I munched on at 10 a.m. and work your magic. I even choked down a celery stick yesterday! I had to drown it in three generous spoonfuls of peanut butter to make it bearable. But hey, peanut butter is protein, so that counts for something, right? I feel like I’m losing touch with what keeps you happy these days. Is it high protein, low fat, no carbs? Just tell me what you need; I’m ready to comply.
And can we talk about how much time you spend with my husband? He eats whatever he wants, gains a couple of pounds, and then it’s like you swoop in and he’s back to normal. Not fair.
Okay, I know I haven’t been completely honest; I did go a bit overboard with those nachos last night. And yes, the whole “what counts as a glass of wine” debate might need some revisiting. I’ve even read that chocolate can be beneficial, but maybe downing a bucket of chocolate chips during PMS isn’t the best approach. But still, you used to be so energetic and responsive. Now, it feels like you’ve lost interest in me.
So here’s the deal: I promise to stop bringing Doritos home and indulging in tequila like I’m on a never-ending spring break, and in return, could you let me have a slice of cake once in a while without it turning into a disaster? I’m committed to improving our relationship; the least you can do is show up for me every now and then.
With love and a sprinkle of hope,
Moms Everywhere
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Summary
This letter expresses a humorous yet heartfelt plea to the author’s metabolism, reflecting on the changes in their relationship over the years. The author longs for the days of effortless weight management and seeks to rekindle their dynamic through a commitment to healthier habits while hoping for a little cooperation from their metabolism.