For nine long months during my pregnancy with my daughter, I experienced relentless vomiting. The clinical term for this severe form of morning sickness is “hyperemesis gravidarum” (HG). Until it became a topic of discussion on national news thanks to public figures like the Duchess of Cambridge, many remained unaware of its debilitating nature.
The Gripping First Trimester
The first trimester was particularly grueling; I spent most days confined to my bed, where each morning felt like a blend of Groundhog Day and a severe hangover. While everyone around me admired my baby bump and radiant glow, I was trapped in a nightmarish state, where mornings began with the twin horrors of vomiting and diarrhea. My alarm clock rang at 5 a.m., heralding the start of another day filled with nausea so severe that I often resorted to using the bathroom trash can as a makeshift receptacle.
Pregnancy guides typically suggested that morning sickness would subside by week 14. When I reached week 15 and continued to vomit, I scoured the internet for hopeful accounts of relief by week 20. By the time I hit week 30, the act of throwing up had become an unwelcome part of my daily routine. I found myself vomiting in various locations around New York City: behind dumpsters, in Central Park during St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, and even in a taxi en route to my sister’s apartment. On multiple occasions, I ended up in the emergency room, receiving IV fluids and prescriptions for Zofran—an anti-nausea medication that simply replaced one form of suffering with another.
The Relentless Cycle of Nausea
No matter what I consumed, it seemed to trigger nausea. A food that once provided relief would soon become a source of dread. Medical professionals reassured me that what I was experiencing was just another typical pregnancy symptom. I continued to vomit daily, with my final episode occurring mere minutes before my emergency C-section.
They promised me that the nausea would vanish once my daughter was born, and indeed it did. However, I was left grappling with a new reality; I could barely remember what it felt like to be healthy or to enjoy food without the looming threat of nausea. For several months, I tried to convince myself that the pregnancy was the root of my sickness, not food itself. Yet, my mind remained scarred and fearful.
Lasting Psychological Effects
While hyperemesis gravidarum and its aftermath are rarely mentioned in standard pregnancy guides, I began to connect the dots of my psychological struggles after four years of introspection. My experience had lasting effects; even six years later, I’m still prone to nausea and harbor a profound aversion to many foods, fearing they might trigger another episode of vomiting. The mere scent of something reminiscent of my pregnancy can send my gag reflex into overdrive, leading to waves of anxiety.
Some have speculated that I might have an eating disorder, but my concern was never about weight gain. In fact, during my pregnancy, I found myself surprisingly unconcerned about my body image. I even silently bargained with the universe, wishing for a 20-pound weight increase in exchange for the end of nausea.
At times, I wonder if this diagnosis is akin to my other mental health issues—a complex mix of OCD, hypochondria, anxiety, and panic disorder. The common thread is a profound fear of losing control and death. While I feel a sense of accomplishment in understanding my psychological response, I still grapple with frustration and impatience. The day I can finally say goodbye to this phantom nausea remains a distant hope.
Further Reading
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Summary
Navigating the tumultuous experience of hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy can lead to lasting psychological effects, including heightened anxiety and food aversions. Understanding these challenges can pave the way for healing, but the journey toward feeling normal again may take time.