Dear Friend,
I was overjoyed to hear the wonderful news about your pregnancy! Welcome to the incredible journey of motherhood! The upcoming months promise to be filled with a blend of excitement, fatigue, and hopeful anticipation as you embrace the daily experiences of pregnancy while eagerly awaiting the moment you’ll cradle your little one.
There are a few things I feel compelled to share with you, as I want to ensure my words and actions don’t inadvertently bring you sorrow in the days ahead. First and foremost, I want you to know how much I care for you and the precious little one growing inside you. My sincerest wish is for your baby to arrive healthy and safe, and for you to savor every moment of joy that pregnancy can bring.
However, as you may know, I was also pregnant not long ago, and my journey did not end as I had hoped. I understand that my experience may be a source of discomfort for some, serving as a stark reminder that even with modern medical advancements, tragic outcomes can occur. I am all too aware that I represent a cautionary tale, a reality that can strike fear into the hearts of expectant mothers, highlighting that complications can arise even in seemingly healthy pregnancies.
If I share stories about my own pregnancy while we’re together, please know that it’s not meant to overshadow your joy. I carry the memory of my beautiful daughter, whose name I cherish deeply—yet her time with us was heartbreakingly short. Understandably, people often shy away from discussing her, but I want to honor her memory and share my experience.
When I offer advice on keeping track of your baby’s movements or the importance of kick counting, it comes from a place of concern and love. I’ve witnessed how swiftly a normal pregnancy can take a turn, and it’s my hope that you and all mothers can navigate this journey without facing the pain that I have.
I hope you can forgive me if I struggle to engage in conversations about “normal” pregnancy topics, like your birth plan. I once had a plan too, but it had to be altered dramatically in an effort to save my daughter’s life, which ultimately wasn’t enough. My heart aches with the memory of my experience, making it hard to fully understand the significance of a medication-free childbirth when I would have given anything to bring home a live baby.
Please understand that I may not always be able to share in the unbridled joy of your pregnancy. I used to think I was being unreasonable for not feeling completely happy for others, but I realize now that it’s a natural response to my loss. You deserve the love and excitement of your family and friends, and I wholeheartedly support you in that.
It’s not that I’m withholding joy out of resentment; rather, I’m grappling with my own feelings of loss. Asking me to feign happiness would be akin to asking you to imagine the heartbreak of holding your child only to learn they might not survive—an unfair request on both our parts. I genuinely hope that one day, the sight of pregnancy and newborns will fill my heart with happiness again, but for now, they serve as painful reminders of my loss.
I will endeavor to be a supportive friend in the months to come. Should I say or do something that inadvertently hurts you, please let me know. I ask for your understanding as I prioritize my healing during this time. Even though I don’t have living children, I am still a mother. I want to hear about your little one, and I also invite you to let me share about my daughter. She may not be with us, but she is just as real and significant as the baby you will soon welcome into the world.
With all my love,
Your Friend and Fellow Mama