As a parent, discussing sensitive topics with children can feel overwhelming, especially when it comes to sex education. Recently, during a conversation with a fellow parent, I was asked when I planned to have “the talk” with my kids. At the time, my children were ages 4, 5, and 7. When I mentioned that I had already broached the subject with them, my friend looked taken aback. “Really? I was planning to wait until it became absolutely necessary, probably not until middle school!”
While that approach might seem ideal, my experience suggested otherwise. I learned the hard way that the “necessary” moment had already passed for my older two kids. Just a few weeks into kindergarten, they were already being exposed to discussions about sex during recess, which I found quite alarming. I don’t recall having such conversations at such a young age.
My eldest son returned from kindergarten one day and innocently asked if sex meant rubbing privates together. This prompted me to have a quick conversation with him, assuming it was just an isolated incident. However, the pattern continued when my daughter remarked that her friends, Jake and Emma, “made sex on the bus.” It was clear that even at age five, kids were discussing these topics amongst themselves.
After speaking with their teachers, who were not surprised by these revelations, I had to come to terms with the fact that my children would be introduced to various concepts earlier than I was prepared for. Welcome to parenthood—there’s never truly a “ready” moment.
I addressed the issue promptly, explaining the basics of sex in a manner I believed they could comprehend. I didn’t have any books on hand or a structured plan; I was caught off guard and thought I still had years to prepare. Nonetheless, the conversations with both children were relatively smooth, albeit with expressions of disgust on their faces when I explained what sex actually entailed. They didn’t have any follow-up questions right then, but they have since asked many, which reassures me that they feel comfortable coming to me with their inquiries.
I emphasized that these discussions should remain private and that they should seek out an adult, preferably me or their father, if they had any questions. I’ll admit I was anxious they might still bring it up at school; nobody wants to be the parent of the child who gives sexual education lessons on the playground.
Before my youngest son started kindergarten, I took short opportunities to discuss his body and sex with him. I was straightforward, avoiding euphemisms for body parts and refraining from dismissive laughter at his innocent questions. I listened for cues that he was ready to move on while ensuring I remained his primary source of information on the topic.
Research indicates that around age four is a typical time for children to become curious about sexuality. Often, because they haven’t been exposed to outside influences, they don’t recognize that discussing such matters can sometimes be viewed as inappropriate. The key is teaching them about context—knowing when and where it’s appropriate to talk about these topics.
I consistently remind them that it’s not their place to educate others about sex, as that’s an adult responsibility. If they ever feel uncomfortable due to someone touching them inappropriately, they must speak up to an adult. Providing them with a basic understanding of their bodies and sex has made it easier for me to empower them regarding acceptable language, behaviors, and seeking help.
Now that my kids are 13, 11, and almost 10, discussing more complex questions around sex is much easier because we established an open dialogue early on. With the abundance of information available online, maintaining a strong voice in their lives is essential as things become increasingly complicated.
I have confidence that my children will approach me with their questions, and while they may not always do so, I’ve worked diligently to keep communication lines open. I stand firm in my choice to have these conversations at a young age, as I believe it helps eliminate any shame associated with such an important topic. This early foundation has also facilitated discussions about other critical issues such as substance abuse, relationships, and consent.
While my approach may not suit every family, it has worked for us. I chose to have individual discussions with each of my children to minimize any embarrassment associated with the topic. Each conversation was unique, and I recognize that every child absorbs information differently. Ultimately, you must do what feels right for you as a parent. For me, initiating these conversations early has provided peace of mind, which is invaluable in today’s world.
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In summary, having the sex talk early with my children has fostered an environment of trust and openness. This proactive approach has prepared us to tackle more complex subjects as they grow.