My partner, Ryan, and I found ourselves in a blissful moment during the final days of our honeymoon, sharing a kiss in the parking lot of a quaint bakery in Quebec City. We chose to explore Canada, reluctant to leave behind the beauty of autumn for warmer destinations. Being with him felt just as I had envisioned—flawless. We were in a phase brimming with excitement for the future, completely aligned in our dreams and desires. I was still riding the high of becoming Mrs. Lawson, often slipping “my husband” into conversations instead of using his name. My husband.
As we embraced, a woman strolled by, observing us with a knowing smile. Her silver hair was elegantly tied back, and her red lipstick accentuated her allure. She wore a pair of jeans that suited her better than anyone I had seen. Accompanied by a man, their fingers entwined, she acknowledged me with a lingering gaze that felt almost tangible. I was momentarily transfixed, but I broke eye contact, redirecting my attention back to Ryan, though her presence lingered in my mind.
The next morning, I woke early, eager to surprise Ryan with croissants and crepes from the bakery. To my surprise, the same woman was seated alone outside. Her hairstyle and lipstick remained unchanged, though she now sported bifocals and was busy writing. As I approached, she paused and greeted me with a smile that was gentle, lacking the intensity of our previous encounter.
“It was you I saw last night, kissing, right over here,” she remarked.
“Yes, I’m on my honeymoon,” I replied.
“Ah, oui, the honeymoon. Please, sit,” she invited, gesturing to the chair beside her. “I have been married for 32 years. There is only one honeymoon. When it ends, and you begin to navigate the realities of life, that’s when you truly learn what your relationship is made of.”
I had heard this before. Friends had shared their challenges, and I believed we were different. No, that could never be us. We had a solid foundation and a bright future ahead.
“Your marriage will feel burdensome.”
I dismissed her words internally. How could it be? We cherished one another deeply. Yet, I remained seated, listening, even though I was reluctant to accept her perspective. I longed to return to bed with my husband, sharing crepes and love. But something compelled me to hear her out. Now, many years later, I genuinely grasp the wisdom she imparted.
There will be days when communication feels impossible, and minor annoyances can spark unexpected anger—not necessarily due to the action itself but because it’s a repeated behavior. You may not always bring your best self to the relationship, and there will be moments when you struggle to recognize your partner. Conflicts will arise over parenting styles, finances, intimacy, and even mundane tasks like taking out the trash.
At times, you may be aware that you’re harming your relationship but find yourself unable to stop. You will learn how to inflict pain on one another, intentionally or not. Some days, you might wish your partner would step up and take charge after a taxing day, only to find that it’s not fair to expect that of them. They may feel overwhelmed by your needs as soon as they walk through the door, leaving them wanting to retreat instead.
You’ll both reminisce about the simpler days, and discussing those feelings may prove difficult. Your marriage will experience highs and lows, and during the low points, you might question if this is what it’s meant to be. You may even wonder if it’s nearing its end.
But if you can endure, like Ryan and I have, learning to navigate the burdens together while still appreciating one another after those struggles—that is what constitutes a true marriage.
I don’t recall every detail of the woman’s words that morning in Quebec City, yet she remains memorable—our conversation, her gaze, and the feeling of sharing that moment. I didn’t initially value her insights, but something in me wanted to listen. Her message has resonated with me throughout my marriage, and I believe there was a purpose behind our encounter.
This woman pops into my thoughts at various moments, a brief connection that has profoundly impacted me. While I’m not a marriage expert, after 14 years of experience, Ryan and I have learned that even when marriage feels heavy, we can share the load. Sometimes, it’s a struggle, but we’re all navigating our relationships the best we can, particularly when the weight becomes too much to bear.
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In summary, even the most fulfilling marriages can encounter burdens. Embracing the challenges together can strengthen the bond, reminding us that it’s natural to navigate the ups and downs of love and partnership.