Some parents reach a point where they know, without a doubt, that they are completely done having children. Others may never feel entirely finished but choose to stop expanding their family due to financial constraints or biological factors. However, most of us find ourselves in a gray area, uncertain about our decisions.
I can certainly relate. At 38, with two sons spaced five years apart, I often feel the strain on my finances and the exhaustion from sleepless nights. Logically, it seems clear that my family should remain as is, but my heart occasionally whispers, “Just one more…”—especially during those early morning hours when I’m dealing with a sick child clinging to me.
This inner conflict has been exhausting—my mind advocating for finality while my emotions pull me in another direction. However, a recent experience helped clarify my stance.
Earlier this summer, our reliable 15-year-old Honda Civic began to falter. We bought it when we first tied the knot, and it served us well until it started breaking down, leaving me stranded in grocery store parking lots. The persistent “check engine” light became a familiar nuisance, accompanied by costly repair bills.
As I mentioned, our finances are already stretched thin due to raising two children, and it became clear that investing more money into our aging vehicle wasn’t wise. We decided to purchase a new car, which meant dipping into our savings and borrowing from family. My husband commutes by train, and I work from home, so we opted for another compact, fuel-efficient vehicle—after all, it worked for us for years.
While at the dealership, surrounded by paperwork and the excitement of a new purchase, it suddenly dawned on me: our new car would not accommodate a third car seat. Amid all the logistics of car shopping, this consideration hadn’t crossed my mind.
In truth, my logical mind would have chosen this vehicle regardless, just as it dictated we stick to our two-child plan. Surprisingly, my heart didn’t protest. My emotional side remained silent, as did my stubborn reproductive instincts. And you know what? I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I was tired of the indecision and the stress it brought.
It’s intriguing to ponder what might have been—rearranging our home in anticipation of a new baby or dreaming about how we could afford to educate another child. However, I’ve found it more fulfilling to enjoy the company of my friends’ little ones for an hour, soaking in that delightful baby scent and cherishing those adorable chubby thighs.
Perhaps the most delightful fantasy of all is envisioning my future grandchildren—the ones I can spoil and then send back to their parents when the sugar high fades. While the heart may crave more, sometimes what we truly desire is already right in front of us.
As I buckle my two boys into their new car seats, I notice the small gap between them—just enough space for overdue library books and a few stray goldfish crumbs. Looking at my silly, talkative boys, I realize I have everything I need right here.
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In summary, while the journey to clarity about family size can be tumultuous, sometimes the best choice is embracing the life you’ve already built and finding joy in your current situation.