“Ugh! Why am I such a fool?!” my partner exclaims, glaring at the charred chicken on the stove. I wince. “I know,” he adds, realizing the kids can overhear him. It’s a struggle for him to resist the urge to criticize himself when frustration sets in.
Over the years, we have discussed the impact of language and how we express ourselves, especially around our children. His habit of using derogatory terms for himself stems from witnessing constant criticism as a child—not necessarily directed at him, but modeled in his environment. I share similar tendencies. Many of us do.
Children are incredibly perceptive, and they absorb what they hear, especially when we wish they wouldn’t. They learn to converse with themselves in the same manner we speak about ourselves and others, often more so than through our direct words to them.
I recall an episode of Oprah featuring a mother whose daughter faced significant body image challenges. Despite the mother always affirming her daughter’s beauty and never commenting negatively on her shape or weight, she habitually referred to herself as fat and unattractive. The daughter internalized her mother’s self-deprecating remarks, even while being told she was beautiful. This stuck with me.
I don’t want my kids to struggle with self-critical thoughts or to instinctively blame themselves for mistakes. I wish for them to embrace kindness—toward themselves and others.
While I understand we aren’t solely accountable for our kids’ self-talk and shouldn’t tread lightly for fear of saying the wrong thing, I’ve made a conscious effort to monitor my language around them. If I speak negatively about my body, my children will likely think that behavior is acceptable. If I call myself foolish or criticize my mistakes, they may come to view that as normal, even if I would never say such things to them directly.
This isn’t easy. We live in a society that is increasingly judgmental, with countless channels for negativity to surface. It’s a challenge to keep that negativity from infiltrating our homes and conversations. None of us is immune to critical thoughts, and it’s tough to hold back when frustration arises. Ultimately, it’s essential to remain mindful of our language, particularly when our children are within earshot.
Interestingly, I’ve discovered that striving for mindfulness in this area has led to unexpected personal benefits. Stopping myself before self-critical comments slip out has encouraged a more positive outlook, impacting various aspects of my life. I’ve become more forgiving towards myself and more patient with the faults of others. I now recognize critical speech more readily and see how it can dampen an atmosphere. Over time, even my internal dialogue has become gentler.
While there’s no guarantee that being careful with our words will improve our children’s inner dialogue, I firmly believe that language matters. I’ve witnessed the effects of children raised in critical environments, and I’d rather lean toward positivity than contribute to their self-doubt. They will encounter enough negativity and judgment from the outside world; I don’t want them to hear it from me.
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In summary, maintaining a positive dialogue around children is crucial for their self-esteem and mental health. It’s essential to be aware of the words we use, as they shape how our children view themselves and their abilities. Encouraging a culture of kindness and compassion in our conversations can foster resilience in our kids, helping them navigate an often-critical world.