From a young age, I always envisioned myself as a mother. However, despite my lack of maternal instincts—I was not the best babysitter—I assumed that once I became a mom, those instincts would kick in naturally. I pictured myself as the other moms I observed, showering babies with affectionate kisses and reveling in the adorableness of toddler chubbiness. I thought I would easily embrace baby talk and playful games like patty cake, crafting cute nicknames for my kids while maintaining a calm demeanor, never raising my voice.
This is the idealized image of motherhood that has been ingrained in us since childhood, shaping our perceptions of what it means to be nurturing. It’s a narrative that becomes so deeply embedded in our minds that it’s hard not to feel inadequate if we don’t feel an overwhelming pull towards babies or experience a deep yearning in the presence of a newborn.
I see other women effortlessly cooing at their little ones, showering them with hugs and kisses. I watch mothers who gladly co-sleep and nurse for years, calmly interacting with their children. Observing these interactions makes me question my own maternal instincts. Why don’t I feel the same way? Am I missing the so-called “motherly gene”?
I’m not a fan of baby talk and I tend to keep my affection in check. After a few moments of snuggling, I often crave personal space. I can be impatient and, admittedly, I raise my voice more often than I’d like to admit. I didn’t co-sleep, and my experience with breastfeeding was brief before I opted for formula.
Sometimes, I find myself wishing I could be more like those other mothers, wishing I could embody their patience and ease with affection. I question why I lack that maternal mushiness and why my instincts seem muted in the presence of even the cutest infants.
I spend countless hours pondering my capabilities as a mother, often comparing myself to others and wondering if I’m measuring up to some ideal. I frequently ask myself if there’s something wrong with me for not fitting the traditional mold of motherhood.
What I need to remind myself—and what all mothers should remember—is that there is no definitive way to be a good mother. There is no singular “mom gene.” Motherhood manifests differently for each woman, and being maternal in a conventional sense is not a requirement for effective parenting.
In the past, my self-reflection about my mothering capabilities often revolved around societal expectations and comparisons to other women, rather than focusing on the unique relationship I have with my own children. I used to believe I was lacking the maternal instinct, feeling inadequate because I was either too much of something or insufficient in another area. However, my children don’t need another version of someone else’s mother; they need me.
While I may not exhibit the same patience or affection as others, my style of mothering is what works for my family. I love my children fiercely, and while I may not engage in excessive snuggling, I am their greatest supporter and most dedicated protector. They are content and happy, and that’s largely due to the way I embrace motherhood in a manner that suits me.
Of course, there’s always room for improvement, and I do fall short of my own high expectations regularly. Still, I also recognize the areas where I excel in this journey of motherhood—at least in the ways that resonate with my understanding of what it means to be a mom.
So yes, I might feel like I’m lacking that mythical mom gene, but that’s perfectly fine because it doesn’t exist. Unless, of course, you’re referring to those infamous “mom jeans”—in which case, I don’t own a pair either.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s feelings of inadequacy regarding her maternal instincts, contrasting her experiences with societal expectations of motherhood. Emphasizing that there is no right way to be a good mother, the author reflects on her unique parenting style and the love she has for her children, ultimately realizing that maternal instincts vary from person to person.