Just a week ago, I discovered I was pregnant. It had been six weeks since my last period, and deep down, I had a feeling that the test would show a positive result.
When I entered the room where my husband was immersed in a video game, he paused the game. I shared the news, and we both sat on the couch, staring into space, unsure of what to say next.
This pregnancy wasn’t unexpected. At thirty-five, I have a stable career in San Francisco that I’ve nurtured over the past decade. My husband and I have created a comfortable life together, and we had both agreed that if there was ever a right moment to start a family, it would be now. After seven months of leaving it to chance, I went off the pill, thinking that if I got pregnant, we would embrace it; if not, we would continue living our lives as usual.
We’re both educated and aware of the consequences of unprotected sex, yet receiving news of something we both wanted felt overwhelmingly unsettling.
We didn’t speak about the pregnancy until the following day, clinging to the hope that the test might have been flawed. Perhaps our lives wouldn’t change dramatically after all.
As the days passed, the reality began to dawn on us: we were going to have a baby. Since that moment, I’ve found myself in tears. The emotion often hits me unexpectedly, whether I’m brushing my teeth or having a snack at work. These aren’t joyful tears; they’re the kind I can’t seem to stop, as fresh waves of sadness flood in.
I felt the urgent need to talk to someone, to hear that everything would be alright. I called my mom, expecting her to have the right words. “Are you so excited?” she asked. I broke down, muffling my sobs so she wouldn’t hear me.
No, I’m not excited. I’m terrified, angry, and sad—everything but thrilled. Guilt quickly followed. Society portrays pregnant women as bursting with joy, celebrating with gender reveals and Pinterest-worthy announcements. The idea of doing any of that makes me anxious.
What’s wrong with me? Does this mean I won’t be a good mother? Am I the only woman who feels disheartened by a planned pregnancy?
I promised myself to avoid the Internet, knowing that not everything I read would be reliable. However, the allure of finding someone who understood drew me in. I typed out my feelings: “I just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m not excited.”
I was met with a plethora of articles from various mom blogs. One in particular stood out: a woman shared her story of having built a fulfilling life with her husband, yet finding herself unexpectedly pregnant and feeling uncertain. “I’m not excited,” she wrote. “How can I bring a child into the world when I feel like this?”
A weight lifted off my shoulders. I found a kindred spirit—someone who cherished her childless life and shared similar fears about impending motherhood.
Curious about the comments, I braced myself for backlash. I anticipated anger or blame from those who had struggled to conceive. Instead, I discovered an outpouring of empathy. One woman, who had faced multiple miscarriages and was finally expecting, described her feelings of sadness and guilt upon realizing she would carry a child to term.
Another shared her experience of mourning her previous life when she first became pregnant. I thought, Sure, they might resonate with my feelings, but they’re just strangers online.
Reluctantly, I reached out to a close friend with a child. “I’m not ready for this to be public yet, but I’m pregnant and I’m freaking out. Please tell me that’s normal,” I texted.
Her response was immediate: “It’s totally normal.” A breath I didn’t know I was holding escaped me. She recounted her own experience, noting that even though they were trying for a child, she didn’t feel joy right away. It wasn’t until she heard her daughter’s heartbeat that her emotions shifted from despair to something more hopeful.
After our conversation, I shed more tears, but this time, relief accompanied the sadness. I realized I wasn’t alone in this feeling. It’s normal. That’s something I’ll need to remind myself of frequently over the coming months, and my friends will need to reinforce that sentiment as well.
The truth is, I’m not alone. This feeling is part of the journey, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
For additional insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource from the NHS. If you’re considering at-home options, you can explore our guide on artificial insemination kits here. For more positive experiences, visit this link for supportive stories and advice.
Summary
The author shares her conflicting emotions upon discovering she is pregnant, feeling fear, sadness, and guilt rather than excitement. She discovers that her feelings are valid and that many women experience similar sentiments during pregnancy. Through conversations with friends and online support, she learns that it’s normal to have apprehensions about impending motherhood.