On a stunning September morning nearly two decades ago, I found myself at the back of a grand cathedral, adorned in a shimmering ivory gown, anxiously gazing down the aisle. As my father offered me his arm and the familiar wedding hymn began to fill the air, I walked carefully down the white aisle runner, praying I wouldn’t stumble in front of our family and friends. The fragrant mix of fresh roses and sunflowers enveloped me as I approached the altar and our eyes locked. In that moment, a wave of tranquility washed over me, reassuring me that together, we could face anything life threw our way. When he lifted my veil, tears glistening in his eyes, he whispered, “You’re beautiful.” Surrounded by the warmth of our loved ones, we vowed to love and cherish one another for all time.
That moment is just one of countless memories from our time as “The Old Us” — the couple unburdened by mortgages, college funds, and the responsibilities of two children. Back then, we were young and carefree, a stark contrast to the people we’ve become today — me with stretch marks and C-section scars, and him with noticeably less hair. Life has become so hectic that we often forget what it was like to sit down for dinner without discussing soccer practices, school meetings, or the air conditioning unit that’s on its last legs.
The Old Us was filled with spontaneity, romance, and passion. In contrast, The New Us has settled into a routine of affection but often finds ourselves too exhausted for anything beyond a few episodes of House Hunters on HGTV.
The gradual fading of The Old Us was subtle and unnoticeable at first. New jobs in unfamiliar towns kept us busy, and our first home became a project of renovations and landscaping. In those early years, though our lives were full, we were still together. Then came the children. The chaos of parenting meant sleepless nights filled with demands like “Can you change the baby’s diaper?” and “Oh no, we’re out of diapers!” Our energy was consumed by the kids, and at the end of each long day, we would collapse on the couch, wondering what The Old Us would think of our current reality. We were fatigued but united.
Over the years, glimmers of The Old Us would resurface during anniversaries and holidays. Moments of intimacy, stolen late-night conversations, and small acts of kindness reminded us of the vows we exchanged so long ago. Yet, we often felt like two ships passing in the night, yearning for the chance to drop anchor and enjoy a moment of silence together. As our kids grow older, reconnecting has become easier, but rediscovering our romantic side remains a challenge. With the years of active parenting dwindling, we realize that soon we will have the chance to embrace The Old Us once more.
But can we truly return to The Old Us when our kids leave for college? As we drive home to an empty nest after dropping them off, will we find ourselves with little to say? Recently, my husband and I recognized that if we want our marriage to endure, we must take steps now to rekindle The Old Us while our children are still home. We’ve started to refocus on each other, reigniting the spark of romance. Here’s how we’re doing it:
- Sneaking away for a cocktail hour on a random Tuesday, leaving the teens at home. They’ll hardly notice we’re gone.
- Meeting for lunch during school hours and enforcing a “no kid talk” rule — it’s challenging but worthwhile.
- Exploring new interests that spark intelligent conversations (thank you, Hamilton: An American Musical).
- Allowing dinner to sit for a few extra moments while we sip wine on the patio and discuss our workdays.
- Embracing intimacy and discovering exciting ways to keep our connection alive.
- Engaging in meaningful conversations about our future and plotting out plans for that beach house we’ve always dreamed about, figuring out how to turn “someday” into a reality.
- Grasping each other’s hands and feeling that deep, familiar bond that has seen us through sleepless nights of breastfeeding, dealing with colic, and managing spirited teenagers.
- Acknowledging that while we are both apprehensive and excited about revisiting The Old Us, we’ve grown together through the years, battle scars and all.
On the day we exchanged vows, our love was bright and untouched by time or the realities of life. While I miss the couple we once were, I also feel a sense of sympathy for them; they didn’t yet realize that the best was yet to come. They couldn’t have known the profound intimacy that arises from worrying about children together, supporting each other through financial challenges, or reconciling after heated arguments. The Old Us had no idea that nothing is sweeter than when your partner looks at you — messy bun and yoga pants in the chaos of daily life — and sincerely says, “You’re beautiful.”
We are older now, still together, and I genuinely look forward to reconnecting with The Old Us. It’s been far too long.
For more insights on navigating marital relationships and parenting, explore our related article on the couples’ fertility journey for intracervical insemination. Additionally, for those considering family planning, check out the informative piece on the effects of smoking on fertility, as well as resources available at Johns Hopkins Fertility Center.
Summary
This piece reflects on the journey of a couple as they transition from the spontaneous and romantic “Old Us” to the more routine “New Us” filled with parenting responsibilities. It highlights their efforts to reconnect amidst the chaos of family life, emphasizing the importance of nurturing their relationship while their children are still at home. Through intentional actions and open communication, they aim to revive the intimacy and passion that initially defined their bond.