As mothers, feelings of guilt often seem to be ingrained in our very nature. We can find ourselves feeling remorseful over everything, from losing our patience with our children to declining their request to read the same story for the umpteenth time in a single day. While a little guilt can be a motivator, there’s also the insidious guilt that arises without a clear cause, the kind that slowly gnaws at us and leads us to blame ourselves for circumstances beyond our control. This is particularly true for mothers of premature infants.
The guilt associated with having a preemie often encompasses more than just the fact that your baby arrived too soon. As a mother, you might find yourself shouldering a multitude of responsibilities that contribute to this emotional burden. Each day, as you leave the NICU without your baby, the weight of guilt can be overwhelming. Once your baby is finally home, the struggle to reconcile your feelings and process the emotional turmoil—including guilt—becomes even more challenging. The hardest realization is that none of this was your fault.
I’d like to share some of the things I held against myself, hoping to let other mothers on this preemie journey know they aren’t alone in their feelings of self-blame. Every preemie mom grapples with similar emotions, and recognizing that many of these factors are beyond your control can pave the way for healing.
1. I’m sorry you had to come early, and I couldn’t keep you safe.
The initial wave of guilt often arises from your baby’s premature birth. Regardless of the reasons behind this early arrival, you might feel as though there was something you could have done differently. The truth is, it wasn’t your fault—no one is to blame. Accepting that this was entirely out of your hands is crucial to silencing that internal critic.
2. I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver you naturally.
While not every premature baby is born via C-section, many are. For me, this was a heartbreaking reality. Having experienced a natural birth with my first child, I was painfully aware of what I was missing during an emergency C-section with my preemies. I grieved the lost moments of skin-to-skin contact and the rush of emotions that typically accompany a natural delivery. This sense of loss compounded my guilt.
3. I’m sorry I had to leave you.
Leaving your baby in the NICU is undoubtedly one of the most heart-wrenching aspects of this experience. The instinct to remain by your child’s side is powerful, yet you may find yourself walking out of the hospital day after day. The guilt may come from feeling like a failure for not crying uncontrollably or being dragged away. It’s important to recognize that coping mechanisms often manifest in unexpected ways, and it’s okay to process this pain differently.
4. I’m sorry I wasn’t there enough.
For parents with other children, balancing time between the NICU and home life can be an enormous challenge. This often leads to feelings of guilt for not being able to spend more hours with your baby. However, every moment you manage to be with them is valuable, and you’re doing your best. If you’re a parent without older children, don’t feel guilty for taking breaks or needing some time away from the NICU; it’s a draining environment, and your well-being matters, too.
5. I’m sorry I let others care for you.
Many mothers experience guilt over having to rely on nurses and other caregivers for their preemies. It’s entirely normal to feel jealousy or worry about your baby bonding with someone else. Yet, it’s essential to remember that these caregivers are providing the specialized care your baby needs, which is something you cannot do alone.
6. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.
Witnessing your child in pain or undergoing medical procedures can be gut-wrenching. The instinct to protect your child is innate, and feeling guilty for not being able to shield them from discomfort is natural. While it’s important to accept that these circumstances were beyond your control, it’s equally normal to feel this way as a mother.
7. I’m sorry I didn’t feel more.
During the NICU experience, you might find yourself emotionally numb while navigating the chaos around you. While you undoubtedly love your baby, the intensity of that feeling may not hit until later. It can be painful to realize that you didn’t experience those early bonding moments in the same way as other mothers, but it’s vital to forgive yourself for this emotional response.
These are just a few of the many things I blamed myself for, and I could likely list even more. The journey to accepting that you are not to blame for what transpired is gradual; it unfolds as you adjust to life at home. Over time, as your mind begins to heal, you’ll see things more clearly and recognize that you did your best in an incredibly challenging situation.
For me, writing a letter to my children expressing my feelings of guilt was a significant step toward healing. It allowed me to put those thoughts away and begin to let go. No matter how you choose to process your emotions, remember to remind yourself: you are not to blame.
As September marks Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness Month, it’s a time to recognize NICU patients, their families, and the dedicated healthcare professionals who care for them. For additional insights and support, explore resources like Resolve for family-building options, and dive into Understanding the Placenta for more on infant health. If you’re considering fertility options, check out this fertility booster for men to help in your journey.