This is no secret: marriage is challenging. The term “challenging” barely scratches the surface; it’s too simplistic to capture the full spectrum of emotions involved. My personal perspective on marriage might be skewed, as I didn’t grow up in a household where love and harmony were evident. My parents were often embroiled in arguments, both with each other and with us. Affection and romance were absent. I often wondered whether they truly loved one another or if they remained together out of a sense of obligation dictated by their beliefs.
Divorce, too, is no easy feat.
I view marriage as an abstract piece of art, a canvas splashed with colors in a seemingly chaotic yet intentional manner—full of diverse shades and textures. Its beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. At times, it’s mesmerizing; at other moments, it’s mundane. Often, it hangs before you, a vivid reality for which words seem insufficient.
Perhaps it’s the remarks I’ve received regarding my own divorce that have led me to believe no one wants to hear about the struggles within a marriage. This has compelled me to project a facade of marital bliss to those outside of it. Let me share a few selfies of us celebrating our love. Look at us, thriving together! If you were to glance back at our relationship seven years in, you’d likely see a lot of this kind of portrayal. I felt the need for everyone to believe that we were thriving, even while I feared we had reached a breaking point.
That was an elaborate charade I presented to the world.
Surprisingly, we’re still together (11 years, can you believe it?), even after I wrote a piece three months ago detailing our struggles. Our marriage has flirted with the brink of collapse multiple times. I didn’t share the long, grueling conversations we’ve had. I didn’t talk about the infidelities that arose—one from neglect, the other from resentment. I didn’t document our communication failures or the breakthroughs we eventually made. I didn’t mention our explorations of polyamory, nor how those discussions led us to deeper understanding of one another. I also omitted the times we stumbled over our words in a rush to hurt each other. I didn’t post about our apologies or our acknowledgment of the errors we’ve both made throughout this journey. There’s a heavy dose of shame—whether self-imposed or stemming from societal expectations—in admitting that relationships can be messy.
At least that’s the impression I’ve gathered from social media.
It’s perfectly acceptable to feel proud of a healthy marriage. However, it becomes problematic when we start comparing our realities to the curated snapshots others present, leading us to believe their relationships are devoid of similar challenges. It’s concerning when we view marriage through the lens of memes that disparage those who have divorced or “given up,” juxtaposed with the overly sentimental depictions of marital bliss—implying there’s no middle ground, no space for ambiguity.
I appreciate that middle ground.
That’s where my marriage currently resides, nestled in a blend of our unique needs and differences. It’s not thriving due to some miraculous, all-encompassing love or a fail-proof formula. It’s enduring because we’ve let go of the notion that marriage must fit a perfect mold as dictated by others. Every relationship comes with its own set of rules, and none are inherently wrong. You do what works for you.
So, can we all agree that marriage can be tough?
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In summary, marriage is undeniably a complex journey filled with ups and downs. It’s essential to recognize the challenges alongside the joys and to understand that every relationship is unique in its own way.