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Updated: Sep. 6, 2016
Originally Published: Sep. 6, 2016
You remember the days when you were all about it. As a teenager, it was a constant obsession. In those early years of marriage, it was a nightly ritual—how could anyone do otherwise? There were moments when the passion felt insatiable. You explored every creative avenue, indulging multiple times a night. But now, life has changed.
These days, you might struggle to find the desire even once a month. You’ve become the person you once judged, the one you thought you’d never be. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine.
Let’s set the record straight: you don’t owe anyone sex. The outdated notion of “marital duties” is just that—outdated. You are not obligated to engage in intimacy with anyone against your will. It doesn’t matter if you used to have an active sex life or if you experimented with different approaches. When I first married, I still felt that youthful drive. Now? Not so much. That doesn’t mean I owe my partner the same frequency of intimacy we had at the beginning of our relationship.
The idea that women owe men sex is a remnant of a troubling culture. This mindset suggests that if he treats you to dinner or you’re in a long-term relationship, you must reciprocate. The fear of infidelity or abandonment looms large in this narrative. But in a healthy partnership, neither person should feel compelled to share their body without genuine desire.
Motherhood can be exhausting. You have little ones vying for your attention, clamoring to be held, cuddled, and close to you at all times. When they finally drift off to sleep, your body might crave a break from the constant physical demands. It’s normal to feel “touched out.” Sex can feel like just another request for your physical presence.
Postpartum hormonal shifts can change your desires significantly. Instead of yearning for your partner, you may feel a stronger bond with your newborn. This shift can lead to a reduced interest in intimacy. If you’re breastfeeding, the hormone prolactin can further dampen your libido, making it challenging to feel in the mood. Any sexual encounters you do have might feel like a bonus rather than an expectation.
Additionally, intimacy can be complicated when children are in the house. With a baby often sleeping nearby, you’re always on alert. Then there’s the risk of little ones bursting in at any moment. Even with locked doors, the sound of “Mommy! I need you!” can quickly kill the mood.
After having a baby, many women experience a shift in how they see themselves. The change in your body can be difficult to accept. I went from a youthful physique to feeling self-conscious about my post-baby body. No matter how much my partner reassured me of my attractiveness, I struggled to feel confident. This is a common experience.
According to the CDC, between 11 to 20% of women experience symptoms of postpartum depression, which can also diminish sexual desire. When you’re feeling down, intimacy may be the last thing on your mind. Moreover, medications for depression can further impact libido and orgasm, creating a disincentive to engage in sexual activity.
Ultimately, your body belongs to you. It’s completely acceptable to not feel in the mood, whether that’s for one night, two nights, or an extended period. While sex can be enjoyable and often feels good once you start, it’s entirely your choice to say no. This right extends beyond motherhood; it’s an intrinsic right as a woman.
Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own needs.
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Summary:
It’s important to recognize that not feeling in the mood for sex is completely natural, especially for mothers. The pressures of motherhood, hormonal changes, and personal body image can all impact sexual desire. It’s crucial to remember that you are under no obligation to engage in intimacy and that prioritizing your own needs is not only acceptable but essential.