Aug. 20, 2023
Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one can attest that grief has a way of surfacing unexpectedly. Regardless of how much time has passed—months or even years—just a fleeting moment can trigger a flood of memories and emotions. For me, it was an awkward encounter that highlighted the enduring pain of losing a child.
I was at a routine check-up recently when the nurse entered the room with a warm smile and asked, “How are the kids?” My heart sank as I processed her words. As a mother of one surviving triplet, I am not accustomed to hearing the plural term “kids.” When I realized she didn’t know that two of my children had passed away, I felt my heart race and my breath quicken. With tears welling up, I explained that my twins, Lily and Max, had died shortly after birth. It was a moment that transported me back to the day I had to say goodbye to them. The nurse immediately apologized and hugged me, clearly mortified by her mistake.
Leaving the office, I was still in a haze, reflecting on our conversation. During the first year after my triplets were born, I often faced similar questions, with many unaware of my loss. However, as time has passed, I assumed most people were familiar with my situation. I was caught off guard this time, thinking perhaps that my only living child, Emma, was seen as an only child.
Though I was taken aback by the exchange, I didn’t feel anger or frustration. It only takes a mention of my children to bring tears to my eyes, but that’s a part of navigating life after such a profound loss. The grief never truly fades; it transforms and lingers. I embrace these tears as a testament to the love I will always hold for Lily and Max.
There’s no definitive guide on how to grieve the loss of a child, nor is there a perfect way to comfort a grieving parent. While a simple hug can offer solace, I found comfort in the way our conversation concluded. After I shared that I had one surviving child, the nurse asked about my two angels. She repeated their names as I spoke about sweet Lily and her delicate features. She listened intently as I shared stories of Max and Emma during their time in the NICU. When she inquired about Emma, I proudly shared how strong and healthy she has become, a remarkable contrast to her early days.
Though tears filled my eyes during that appointment, I walked away with a warm heart. For parents who have lost a child, one of the most comforting gestures is to hear their child’s name spoken aloud. Hearing the nurse say “Lily” and “Max” was a poignant reminder of their existence. It allowed me to share cherished memories, which brought me a sense of peace.
When I explain that Emma is one of triplets, I often see the shift in expression on people’s faces—a mixture of shock and sadness. It’s a reaction I am all too familiar with. No parent expects to outlive their child, and the realization that I am a mother to two angels often creates an uncomfortable atmosphere.
Grief is an intricate topic, particularly when it involves the loss of a child. The awkward moments I encounter are experiences many parents of pregnancy and child loss face, and I know they will continue throughout my life. While these moments may stir up emotions and memories long tucked away, they can also bring something positive. I like to believe that each time I’m asked about my children, it’s a gentle reminder from above. It’s as if Lily and Max are saying, “Hello, Mom,” from their place in heaven. Although the other person may feel uneasy, they are providing a precious gift: the opportunity to remember and cherish my children who are no longer with us.
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In summary, grief can resurface at the most unexpected moments, reminding us of our lost loved ones. While it can evoke deep emotions, it also allows us to honor and remember those we’ve lost, forging connections that transcend time and space. Embracing these moments can lead to healing and a deeper understanding of love.