As you prepare to leave for college, it’s hard to believe that the time has come. Your father and I have spent years readying you for this moment, yet saying goodbye is still incredibly tough. Guiding you through your first eighteen years has been a privilege I cherish deeply.
While I’m thrilled to watch you start this exciting new chapter, I can’t help but feel the emptiness you’ll leave behind. I will miss the throngs of friends who frequently invaded our home, taking over the living room and devouring everything in the pantry. Honestly, I could have charged them a premium for the amount of food they consumed!
I’ll also reminisce about those sleepless nights spent worrying when you decided to test the limits of your curfew. The suspense of waiting for your texts and watching the news for local incidents kept me on my toes. You’ve certainly provided your fair share of heart-pounding moments, from racing through school zones to hopping on a bus to Orlando without informing me. These experiences taught me that a little blonde dye can mask the emergence of gray hair!
You’ve always managed to keep me guessing and challenged my patience with household responsibilities — like when I discovered the algae colony in the shower or the mystery smells emanating from under your bed. Without a sink full of dirty dishes and a mountain of laundry, I might just have to consider transforming our now-quiet home into an alpaca farm.
Before the whirlwind of moving day kicks off, I want to share some final advice:
Prioritize Your Health.
Be sure to visit the salad bar more than once a week to balance all those burgers and pizza. Stock up on peanut butter and bread — cafeteria specials can be hit or miss.
Maintain Good Hygiene.
Don’t skip showers and think a spritz of cologne will suffice. Antibacterial soap exists for a reason! Keep Q-tips handy; you don’t want to attract attention for having earwax. And, please, for the sake of all that is holy, trim your toenails!
Be Considerate.
Respect the noise regulations on campus. Just because you have a powerful sound system doesn’t mean you should blast it. If your music is shaking the walls, it’s time to lower the volume.
Also, while having a hearty appetite is fine, avoid entering every eating contest on campus. You don’t want to start your dorm life off on the wrong foot by creating an unpleasant atmosphere for your roommate.
Take Relationships Seriously.
The safest sex is no sex, but until they invent a male chastity belt, always use condoms correctly. Inflating them into silly shapes is not the way to impress anyone.
Stand Firm Against Peer Pressure.
Chugging shots of hot sauce to fit in is not the way to go. You’ll only become known as the freshman who spent more time in the bathroom than at the party.
Practice Gratitude.
Whether you’re driving a new sports car or an older model that’s seen better days, appreciate what you have. It’s not about the vehicle; it’s about reliability!
Manage Your Finances.
If your drinking expenses surpass your tuition fees, reevaluate your priorities.
Keep Your Space Clean.
Take out the trash regularly and don’t let old pizza crusts become a buffet for bugs. Remember, cockroaches aren’t pets!
Focus on Your Studies.
Always prioritize your education over partying. Otherwise, you might find yourself flunking out.
Explore Your Options in Dating.
Enjoy your newfound freedom and take time to meet different people. Rushing into a relationship could lead to regrettable decisions, like a spontaneous wedding in Vegas.
Prepare for Anything.
Stock up on Gatorade and snacks — they can work wonders after a late night. And always have a pillow on hand; you never know where you might end up.
Avoid Reckless Behavior.
If you decide to participate in an outrageous stunt like a chair race on the highway, don’t expect me to bail you out.
Treasure Your True Friends.
These are the ones who will rescue you from embarrassing situations and keep your secrets safe.
Maintain Your Sense of Humor.
If you wake up to find your room covered in Post-it notes, laugh it off. Your friends will soon learn the lesson of karmic payback!
Your father and I are excited to see you embrace your independence. We love you dearly and believe in your judgment. Should you ever find yourself in a predicament involving a flame thrower, remember to call your siblings for help. We’ll be too busy at the AARP convention to assist!