I’m confident that my kids are lice-free. After all, only the unkempt have to worry about such things, right? That’s what I gleaned while watching political debates, where truth reigns supreme. My brother, a family doctor, seems to disagree with me, likely because his kids have dealt with lice before. While he prides himself on being exceptionally tidy—much more so than I am—my belief remains: lice = dirtiness. But let’s say I did find lice on my children during a family vacation last week; here’s what I would have discovered:
- Lice Math
Four kids + three lice = four sets of bedding + essential stuffed toys, resulting in 231 items that need laundering in a washing machine that isn’t mine. - Prosecco
There’s absolutely not enough prosecco to help you survive this nightmare. Why didn’t we stock up when we passed that liquor store in the tax-free state? The need for more is real! - Lice Treatment
Shopping at an out-of-state Walmart for lice treatment won’t earn you judgment from the locals. Surprisingly, they might be judging you for what they have in their own carts. - The Constant Itch
The itching will be relentless—an absolute torment. - Tiny Combs
You’ll apply a slippery solution to 24 inches of hair, only to spend endless hours combing it out with the smallest metal combs imaginable. Is this not the definition of torture? God, where’s my prosecco? Did we bring any chardonnay? Who was in charge of groceries? Do they not sell prosecco at Walmart alongside tiny combs and lice treatment? - Judgment Day
One child will inevitably be labeled “patient zero.” Expect to wield scornful references to Typhoid Mary to quell her whining while you comb through her hair. She brought this upon us, and no one is allowed to sit in her car seat. - Old Eyes
You’ll wonder how you ever spotted the first louse, yet suddenly, everything is a blur. Is there a magnifying glass at Walmart? They should really stock those next to the tiny combs and prosecco. - Heat Treatment
You’ll be told to blow-dry your kids’ hair every other day, despite not having had time to fully blow-dry your own hair in eight years. Apparently, heat kills lice—what a soul-crushing task! If you didn’t manage to grab prosecco, feel free to indulge in all the Hershey’s bars you bought for s’mores. Blame it on Typhoid Mary when the s’mores run out. - Fair-Weather Friends
Upon returning home, there’s a 50/50 chance that all your kids’ playdates and birthday invitations will be canceled. One friend may suggest, “How about in two or three weeks?” while another will panic, claiming her nanny found lice in her child’s hair too. It’s a slippery slope. - The Cycle Continues
Once that friend with the lice-infested kid agrees to a playdate, you’ll have a moment of hesitation—do you really want to risk it? Lice are nothing to shrug off.
In conclusion, wash every sheet you can find, stock up on prosecco, purchase a tiny metal comb along with Permethrin shampoo (sister’s orders), and embrace the combing and blow-drying cycle that seems to stretch on forever. And if you want to see a silver lining, consider nit-picking as an opportunity to bond with your child. Personally, I see it as a reason to pour another glass of prosecco, but that’s just me. My kids don’t have lice, but maybe yours do. No judgment here. Honestly.
Okay, you got me. My kids do have lice. Here, have a Hershey’s bar.
For more information on fertility and self-care during this time, check out this article on fertility boosters. Also, if you’re looking for expert tips, this resource on treating infertility is excellent. And for a broader look at pregnancy tips, visit this authority on pregnancy.
Summary
The experience of discovering lice can feel overwhelming, especially while on vacation. From the laundry chaos and endless itchiness to the necessity of blow-drying and tiny combs, the ordeal is an exhausting one. However, humor and a good stock of prosecco can help lighten the moment. Remember, lice are not a reflection of cleanliness, and you’re not alone in the struggle.