Recently, I had my annual check-up and, after a few months of procrastination, finally scheduled my appointment. On the day of the visit, I went all out in preparing myself—more than I ever did when I was single and dating. I knew my efforts would likely go unnoticed by a doctor who views this part of the anatomy daily, yet I felt the need to avoid any embarrassment from the usual “Sasquatch situation” down below.
After arriving and engaging in small talk with the receptionist, I tried to distract myself from the anxiety of possibly having forgotten to shave my legs. Following the nurse into the examination room, my mind raced with familiar thoughts. From the awkwardness of stepping on the scale to the barrage of questions about my alcohol consumption, I could already feel the mood shift. And let’s not forget, there I was, exposed, with nothing but a flimsy paper sheet draped over me and instruments nearby that no man would ever tolerate near his own privates.
I can’t be the only one who experiences these thoughts during such visits:
- Wouldn’t mimosas be a welcome addition here?
- Oops, I used the restroom before leaving. Sorry, no urine sample for you.
- There’s no way that’s my weight—subtract 10 pounds, please! And while you’re at it, make it 15, Nurse-Why-Do-You-Make-Me-Feel-This-Way.
- How much alcohol? Glasses or bottles are we talking about?
- Oh, I see that eyebrow raise, Nurse-You-Just-Made-Me-Feel-Like-A-Liar; we both know I’m exaggerating about my wine intake.
- Recreational drugs? If only I could indulge!
- A countdown clock would be helpful—just so I know when I can put my clothes back on.
- Oh no, I forgot to shave my legs.
- Why aren’t there pictures of Chris Hemsworth and Justin Timberlake on the walls? Those medical illustrations only remind me I’ll never have my pre-baby abs back.
- Ah-choo! Great, now I’ve dampened the exam table pad.
- Seriously, it’s freezing in here. My nipples could cut glass!
- Ah, the doctor is here… and shaking my hand. How many vaginas has he examined today?
- Sexually active? More like actively avoiding it, Doc.
- At least he won’t judge me for my flossing habits.
- Birth control? Well, I have four kids, so…
- Yes, I do self-exams regularly, just as often as I floss… which is to say, not very often.
- Do I have any questions? None that I wouldn’t rather discuss with my best friend. I’ll just ask her about my Sahara-dry hoo-ha later.
- Wow, my breasts are huge and saggy… and is that hair around my nipples? Why am I only just noticing this?
- Why is the nurse silent? Can’t she help alleviate my discomfort?
- I should have kept my socks on.
- No, I cannot scoot down any further; you’ll need milk for those cookies if I do, Doc!
- It’s 2023, and we’ve sent a man to the moon, yet the lube gel is still cold? Come on!
- Is this a good moment to mention I could provide that urine sample after all?
- How considerate, he’s sharing about his family trip to Disney while he’s examining me.
- I really need a pedicure.
- Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart…
- A little pressure? Seriously, it feels like you’re trying to fit a watermelon in there.
- If he says, “Houston, we have a problem,” I might lose it.
- Why aren’t there pictures of Chris Hemsworth and Justin Timberlake on the ceiling?
- Don’t sneeze, don’t sneeze… Easy with that long Q-tip!
- I seriously have to pee.
- Oh, everything looks fine? That’s a relief. I’m quite proud of my cervix, so it’s nice to hear she’s still doing her job.
- Yes, I look forward to our next appointment too. No, truly, the pleasure was all mine.
Oh great, where did my underwear go? It was right there. Should I just toss the tablecloth? Ah-choo! Well, there goes that urine sample.
As embarrassing as it is to visit the gynecologist, it would be far worse if the doctor could read my mind. But then again, even if he could, at least my thoughts would be less jumbled than when I’m sitting in the dentist’s chair.
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In summary, visiting the gynecologist can be an awkward experience filled with embarrassing thoughts and scenarios. However, it’s a necessary part of health maintenance that many can relate to, proving that while our bodies may change, the humor in our thoughts remains universal.