By: Jessica Lane
Updated: Aug. 11, 2023
As I sit by the window, the house is enveloped in a rare moment of tranquility. My children are outside playing, but I can already hear the unmistakable sound of a disagreement. I pause before getting up; the squabble is typical sibling fare, and my youngest, Ethan, will move on in a heartbeat.
These fleeting instances of calm, whether lasting just five minutes or stretching to fifteen, often punctuate my day amid the chaos of snack requests and scraped knees. In fact, when I take a moment to reflect, I realize that these peaceful interludes are more frequent than I initially thought. However, they arrive unexpectedly and are often too brief to allow for any meaningful productivity.
During these moments of quiet, my mind is anything but still. I find myself multitasking mentally, moving from one task to the next. Once I finish tidying the kitchen, I must tackle the laundry, then grab a quick bite. Swim lessons are just around the corner, so I need to stock up on sunscreen. Dinner plans? I really ought to enroll Max in dance classes. The clock is ticking, and soon, my middle child, Oliver, will come bursting in, expressing his boredom once again. Have I devoted enough time to Lily this week? Summer is slipping away, and oh, how I wish for a nap. What is that mysterious substance on the cabinet? I really should start teaching my kids to clean up after themselves. Did I ever follow up on the life insurance inquiry?
It’s a relentless stream of worries and responsibilities, a whirlwind of tasks that never seems to cease. Those moments of quiet are merely brief interruptions in the ongoing mental slideshow of my life as a mother.
I often hear the sentiment that women lose their identities in motherhood. Conversely, many assert that they haven’t vanished at all; I find myself understanding both perspectives. I know that I’m still present behind the constant internal chatter that keeps me organized and afloat, but the space for my own thoughts often feels limited, overwhelmed by a barrage of family-centric obligations.
Reflecting on my life before children, I struggle to recall what it felt like to act spontaneously or to ignore how my schedule might impact a soccer game or my kids’ school commitments. That’s where I sense a loss. I can hardly remember the feeling of sitting down without a nagging voice reminding me to check something off my to-do list or to teach my child a vital skill like independence.
The thoughts swirling in my mind are not entirely negative; they resemble practicing a vital survival skill for both myself and my family. While some days may seem less dramatic—like searching for my toddler’s favorite bouncy ball that he’s been missing for two days—they still feel all-consuming.
When mothers express feelings of losing themselves, it often stems from a need for a moment of silence to acknowledge their existence amidst the noise. Instead, we hear a guilt-ridden voice urging us to be productive while our children are content, or we find ourselves staring out the window, relishing a moment of peace, wishing for just a moment to breathe.
In our quieter moments, we might have once reached for a book; now, we may simply desire to gaze into space. It takes longer to shift gears, to create, to reconnect with friends, or even to remember our own needs. Those aspects of our identity that existed before motherhood are not lost; they just become buried under the daily demands of our families.
This explains why you might find women wandering aimlessly through the aisles of a store, seeking beauty in mundane distractions. It’s not that we have become mere shadows of our former selves; we are still creative, spontaneous, and talented individuals. It simply takes more time to quiet our minds and reconnect with who we truly are.
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Summary:
In the whirlwind of motherhood, many women experience a sense of losing their individuality amidst the chaos of daily responsibilities. While moments of quiet can be rare, they often reveal an ongoing internal dialogue filled with tasks and worries. The feeling of being lost is not due to an absence of self but rather a cluttered space where personal thoughts struggle to emerge. Despite the challenges, the core of who we are remains intact, waiting for the right moment to be rediscovered.